I wrote a blog about my 40th year a little over 10 years ago! I won’t read that until I finish this because I don’t want that to alter what I have to say! I believe some of it may be the same and some may be different, I remember pieces but not all!!!
These 10 years have gone by so quickly, on one hand so much life has happened and it’s been a long 10 years, and on the other hand, I was just writing my 40th year blog yesterday!
Some of the parts I remember really thinking I should have figured out 10 years ago include thinking at almost 40 I would be more financially responsible, I would be more confident in myself, I would have my shit together, maybe I would be set in my career, I would have this mother thing figured out, and my marriage would have been everything I thought it should be after 20 years of marriage!
The truth is some of those things actually HAVE worked themselves out, but some, not so much, I’m set in my career anyway!!! 😂
The things I can say about being almost 50…
First of all… it’s CRAZY! Like I know I have lived these years, I have been a mother for 33 years, I have been a wife for almost 30, I have gone to school 4 separate times since I was 18, I have 5 children that are all adults, and I have 5 grand babies and 2 daughter and sons in law… I have lived the life… but I also still feel so unprepared to be an adult sometimes!!! 😂😂
I am in-fact FAR more confident in my physical being! I worry so much less about the size of my pants, the stretch marks that have accumulated over the years, the sag that keeps on sagging! Those insecurities have been such a huge part of my life for most of my adult life, I have allowed them to make me feel like I had less value, I wasn’t enough for my husband, I didn’t deserve to treat myself to an expensive pair of jeans or a cute outfit, I let it ruin dates, trips, outings, even potential friendships… and all for what??? I really am learning to just not care!!!
I also am more confident in who I am! I struggled for so many years worrying about whether I was a good enough wife, a good enough mom, I yelled, I was short tempered, I am too emotional, and I focused so much on those parts of me that I thought were failures… and even tho they were not my best parts… there were so many good parts I skipped over, I will mention a few not to boast but so maybe you too will realize to look at the good!! My kids had a stable home, they had dinner every night, I always told them how much I loved them and tried to boost them up whenever I could, I tried to to take the time to listen, I was loving, I apologized when I knew I was wrong, I made sure they knew school was important, I tried to teach them about responsibility, respectfulness, and all the important things they needed in this life… I will say I thought if they had those two characteristics that all the other stuff would fall into place, and I don’t think I was so far off! So ya… I wasn’t all so bad! I yelled too much, I lost my temper, I wasn’t always loving… but I was doing my best with what I had at the time and was learning and growing through every stage!!!
Third… this one is big… I thought by the time I was 40, I would be so financially responsible… well I was not… and it turns out at almost 50 I am not now either! 😂😂
I swear I’m trying, I learning, I’m getting there (at least now I have a 401K 😂)… but hey… by the time I’m almost 60… I WILL get there!!! I just have all these cute grandies to spoil… it’s really NOT my fault!!! 🤷🏻♀️
Next, I really thought by the age of 40 I was suppose to know everything… I was suppose to be emotionally mature, know myself, know the people in my life inside and out, know how to be the perfect wife, mother, friend…. it turns out that I also don’t have that all figured out at almost 50!!! I still am learning how to be a good mom, one who supports, knows when to let go, knows when to hold on a little tighter, know how much is enough, too much, or not enough… and I’m still making mistakes, I’m still figuring it out, I’m still learning and growing, and now I’m trying to help my kids be the best parents they can be… but I HAVE learned (by almost 50) that my kids also need to learn by their own doing and they cannot and will not learn from my mistakes! (That’s really one of the hardest things)!!!
I thought by my 50th year, and after being married for 30 years, that my hubs and I would just know each other inside and out, that we would have this living life together all figured out… turns out, even in marriage and even when you have been with someone for over 30 years… you STILL are learning everyday, you are still trying to know and be known, break down barriers, soften walls…. maybe by 60 and 40 years of marriage that will be easier!!! I think it’s mid-life crisis for all involved at this time… 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I HAVE learned that ‘this too shall pass’! I have learned to let a lot of the little things go, I have learned to have so much more patience with people, I have learned to find the joy in everyday life, I have learned to focus more on the good and the blessings I have and not so much on what I wish I had! I have learned to love myself, weaknesses and faults and all and cherish and be proud of the strengths I have, the things I have learned, the growth I’ve achieved, and to know we should never quit learning and growing… when you are stagnant, that’s where the trouble lies!!!
I have learned about grief and loss! Losing both of my parents has taught me so much! I think for the first time in a long time I have compassion for my mom and the life she lived, the struggles she endured, the heartache… not because she had it bad but because I’m learning we all struggle… and she was not only my mom, but an actual woman with her own hopes, dreams, desires… she persevered and for that I am so proud to call her my mama! I’ve struggled with anger and hurt feelings and feelings of inadequacy when I think about my mom… but I have learned to understand her so much more now that I have lived a little more of the life I have lived… and I know she was also doing the best she knew how with what she had and she was never short on love! I am so thankful for her and I miss her so much more now than I ever thought I would! I only can hope that my kids will continue to love me, allow me to be a huge part of their life, forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made, realize that they too are always learning and growing just like me, and always know how much I love them and how hard I have tried to be the best mama I can be… and now I am reaping the benefit of what I have sown being able to enjoy my grandies who are extensions of my own babies, extensions of me, and little people that I never knew I could love as much as my own kids!!! ❤️❤️
Lastly, I have learned that life is not promised and in this world we will have trouble! I also know that the Lord has overcome the world and this is not my permanent home!!! I don’t know what the next 10 years will bring… I am sure it will come with many moments of joy and blessings that I will always try to remember to hold onto tightly, as well as moments of sorrow (which I hope and pray are minimal)… but I also have faith that through it all I will persevere, I will learn and grown, and continue to become a better version of myself than I was the day before!!!
And hey, maybe by the time I’m 60 I’ll finally be financially responsible, I’ll have figured out my hubs more than I have so far, I’ll be the BEST mama, I’ll be a better friend, and maybe by then I’ll be smart enough, mature enough, and wise enough to pass a little along, to write the book I’ve always wanted to write, and have the secret to pure joy!!
FYI… I’m not sure anyone really ever has their shit together, no matter how old they get!!! 😂❤️😭🤷🏻♀️
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