disastrouslyredeemed

The things I have done that have made me an asshole…

1. Loved my children deep and have done everything I could do to be a mother my kids could be proud of, to raise them to be good humans, and to be self sufficient all the while learning, growing, and trying to become a woman who I could feel the same way about! 
2. Done anything I could to help my family through any difficult time they have faced, to be an encouragement, a place of safety, a place of love and comfort to the point that maybe at times my own bucket was empty… including my parents, my family,  nieces and nephews, my friends, my kids friends, etc.
3. Went through nursing school with 5 children and quit my 14 year long stay at home mom run to better MYSELF, and my future knowing my children would grow up one day and at that time I would have THIS life, the one where I had to find my own fulfillment, my own happiness, and I could not always rely on having children to take care of and to mask my own self.
4. Furthered my education in order to be able to be in a position to help people: to guide them to better health, to encourage people of ALL race, gender, sexuality, age, size, or anything else you can throw in there to be the healthiest, physically, mentally, and emotionally that they can be… to learn to be content in THEIR own skin… I have tirelessly spent hours with patients when they have needed me the most!
5. Treated people with respect and kindness EVEN when they were making decisions I may not have agreed with and even when I was not receiving the same in return, this even includes my children… I have CHOSEN to love them for all of the wonderful things they are, not the few things I may disagree with. And at times I have NOT shown respect – I’m human.
6. Hold the door open for people.
7. Keep my opinions to myself 99.9% of the time.
8. Accepted people for who they are knowing we are all different and all have our own issues, concerns, worries, fears, hopes, and dreams… 
9. Put the HARD, HARD work into myself with years of therapy, counseling, journaling, praying, meditating and anything else I could have thought to do to BETTER myself. To HEAL from my wounds or my brokenness from childhood, teenage years, young adulthood, into later adulthood, or just from being a human in a broken world period! To be better tomorrow than I was yesterday! To learn to love and accept people who are different from me! To learn that people react due to their own hurt and brokenness and it is a reflection of themselves (not another) and nothing else! These things I’ve had to fight to learn for myself so I could be the person I could be proud of, comfortable in my own skin, someone who could be looked up to (not idolized), and someone who could guide someone who was just like I once was years ago – insecure, defeated, sad, discouraged, afraid, and unfulfilled (yes, I’ve been there)! Am I there? Am I perfect? Have I achieved all the greatest things? Hell no… but I keep putting in the work, are you?
10. I don’t always put the grocery cart back in the corral.
11. I have horrible road rage and say ungodly things to people when I am in my car.
12. As a woman who is a wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc… we are ALWAYS judged. We make mistakes raising our children, we’re judged whether we have children, we’re judged whether we work or we don’t work, we’re judged on how we pack our damn kids school lunches, we let our own issues influence how we respond to and treat our significant others, we’re not always fair, we’re sometimes selfish but even more selfless, we don’t always look a certain way, we don’t make everyone happy, and we have to somehow learn to hold our head up high and learn to love who we are in a world that often hates us, and on top of that try to raise sons and daughters who don’t feel the same way!
13. Voted!

Just a few thoughts I’ve had that I assume MOST people could look at and place themselves in these scenarios, soften your hearts people, look a little deeper into someone’s heart… it is NOT ok to behave the way I have continuously seen people behave, whether you’re hurt or not, my heart has been shattered this week for so many reasons and it’s disheartening to see to say the least!
You DO NOT get to decide what kind of person I am!

It is not ok to base an entire persons worth or value on a choice they made or assume you know where their heart is based on something that is a God given right, we are ALL more than a ballot. Now we move forward to create a country and world that has value, love, and compassion, because I believe we all want that!

♥️♥️♥️

Do you ever remember watching your mom as your older brother would come home for dinner, or maybe your boyfriend or husband’s mom when he was going to her house, or maybe even your grandmother when your dad would visit for dinner? Do you remember watching thinking that woman sure was making a fuss over that boy? Maybe if it was your boyfriend or husband you even thought, what a momma’s boy, and rolled your eyes!

Well let me tell you, I realize now what all that fuss was about! At this time in my life I am now at the other end of the mothering spectrum. Instead of watching babies learn how to walk, toddlers learning to potty train, and even youngin’s going off to school for the first day of kindergarten… I am now starting to watch them leave my nest with the hopes (their hopes) that they won’t ever have to come back (although the door is ALWAYS open)!

I received a call recently from my oldest son, and was told that he was coming for dinner! Let me tell you… I lit up like up like a firecracker! I was so excited to have him come home to sit around our table for dinner… it had seemed so long since the last time that had happened (it probably wasn’t that long, but this particular time seemed like it)! Life goes by and you don’t even realize the changes that happen until you look around that dinner table and only half of your kids are left eating with you!

It is bittersweet to watch that boy that you fussed over, stressed over, cried over, prayed over, laughed with, cared for, poured your heart and soul into, gave everything to, and went crazy for, grow into an adult with his own personality, hopes, dreams, and goals in mind! His own life path planned before him! Which mind you, is more than likely different than what you had in mind for him! But it happened none the less, and it’s an awesome thing to see him becoming who he was meant to be!

So, remember, someday, when that boy is coming for dinner… fuss over him, cook his favorite foods, love on him, get excited, and cherish the moment… because someday, when you look around that nearly empty dinner table, you realize just how long it’s really been since he’s been there!

Love every minute of it and remember how amazing it is to be his mother, all the laughs, talks, and good times you’ve had! And remember it’s ok to fuss when that boy comes for dinner! So, pay no attention to the eye rolls and get excited… for you know what it really means! You are his mother after all!

Matthew 3:17 – And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased” (NIV).

Isaiah 49:18 – “Lift up your eyes and look around; all your children gather and come to you. As surely as I live”, declares the Lord, “you will wear them all as ornaments; you will put them on like a bride” (NIV).

Psalm 127:3 – Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him (NLT).

Isaiah 66:13 – “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem” (NIV).

Source: A thought about liars…

There’s been a lot of postings on social media lately about people in our lives who may be toxic, liars, evil people that we need to rid ourselves of, clear out of our lives, take the ‘garbage out’ persay. It has made me think a lot about those people in my life who I may feel that way about at times, those people who really grate on my nerves, people who are constantly hurting my feelings, and bring more angst than joy! I’ve also been thinking about the possibility that others may think about me that way sometimes! I think it has brought some good deep thought provoking questions to mind and caused me to do a little soul searching! What if you were asked to think about this…

What if those people we want to call liars aren’t really liars at all. I’m not talking about those people who lie about every little thing like where they ate for lunch or what kind of car they drove as a kid (some people are just so insecure with themselves they want to bend the truth hoping they’ll be accepted… they kind of are liars)! I’m talking about the person who grates on our nerves, the one we feel is always out to get us, hurt us, doesn’t accept us! Consider for one minute that maybe, just maybe, they are truly not the vindictive person that we want to believe that they are! That they really are not people who have it out to be nasty, rude, unreasonable, or whatever else we may want to say they are to purposely hurt us! What if those people, or that one person, that we are convinced twists the truth, adds false details to the story, or claims they never did or said what we are positive they said or did aren’t really purposefully doing any of those things?

What if, due to our own experiences, beliefs, insecurities, feelings, fears, or habits; we see things a certain way when someone else may see the very same situation very differently? What if we hear someone say something in a tone that we are certain is rude, nasty, or condescending but the person that said it never intended for it to sound any such way! Consider that maybe they were so worried the whole time they were talking that what they were saying would be taken wrong, because it has so many times in the past, that it came out in a tone that they never truly meant to show? Or what if, because of our own defensiveness, fears, experiences, etc., we hear things a certain way simply because we have conditioned ourselves to believe that someone feels a certain way toward us, we WANT to hear things a certain way (then we have ammunition don’t we), we believe that we deserve to be treated cruelly by that person, or we completely miss someone’s true intention due to our own ‘issues’?

What do we do when someone misjudges US, misinterprets what we say, how we say it, or what we meant by it? Do we want to be given the benefit of the doubt? Do we want to be snapped back at and yelled at and told that we ALWAYS do ‘this’ or ‘that’? Did we intend to cause an argument? Or would we rather be heard for our true selves and have people ask what we meant, be given the opportunity to explain ourselves, or simply be given the benefit of the doubt even at times we can’t explain ourselves… simply because we’re human and the majority of us are not ill-intentioned people setting out to harm someone else, especially someone we love!

Or, are we in such denial that we believe that this never happens when we speak to someone, ask a question, share our ideas, beliefs, experiences, have an argument, or whatever? We are sadly mistaken if we believe that other people do this ‘to us’ on purpose, and we ‘never’ cause that person, or anyone else, to feel the same way at times! What if sometimes, people think the very same thing about us and what we say or how we say it? What if we stop and think about how it would feel to have someone truly, truly believe that WE were twisting the truth, adding false details, or (absolutely in their minds) remember, and believe that we said something that we swear we didn’t say, and nothing you could say or do would convince them that it just didn’t happen that way, that you honestly didn’t mean what they thought you meant? Wouldn’t you feel horrible? Would you feel hopeless and helpless in that situation, not knowing what to do to change it or make it better? Is it so far-fetched to believe that in our humanness, people could look at us and feel the very same way, feel that we are liars, and that we are vindictive and always trying to hurt them when, in reality, we’re honestly not doing any of those things, not on purpose anyways?

If we want people to give us the benefit of the doubt, treat us in a loving manner, not accuse us of doing or saying or thinking or acting in a way that is hurtful to them, then we must give others the same respect! We cannot expect to be given the benefit of the doubt if we are not willing to extend the same grace! We are all human, we all have issues, and we all have life experiences, beliefs, insecurities, fears, etc. that cause us to act and behave in a certain way! When someone acts out of the heart of their humanness… it’s not always about us!!! And those people, or that person, we like to call a liar, might not be a liar after all… not any more than we are anyways!!!

Matthew 12:34b – 35 – For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.

What is in our own hearts, what we feel, think, fear, believe is what we speak… not what someone else feels, thinks, fears, or believes. I was told recently by someone whom I highly respect, that this passage means that everything that comes from our mouths is about us… not anyone else! When we choose to say something nasty to someone we love, write or post something condescending on our social media accounts, talk about someone behind their back, etc.… it is a reflection of US… OUR ‘issues’, OUR insecurities, OUR ‘problems’… it really has nothing to do with the other person! Which is also true when someone hurts us by their words or actions… it’s not about us! We all need to look in the mirror from time to time! So, quit taking everything so personally! Remember, we’re ALL humans and we ALL make mistakes, not one of us is perfect!! So, lets practice forgiveness and quit lying to ourselves trying to convince ourselves that we’re never a part of the problem and take responsibility for our own actions… and quit trying to take responsibility for everyone else’s!!!

Source: Prepared for motherhood…

Nothing can prepare you for motherhood… NOTHING! You can have little brothers and sisters, lots of little cousins that you saw often and coddled, you could’ve even babysat for the masses of little kids in the neighborhood who had parents that were literally fist fighting over whose children were going to be graced with your company; allowing them a few hours of solace! But still, you are never prepared.

You may even have watched brothers, sisters, other family, and friends as they have become parents and are raising their kids, making mental notes of what you would NEVER resort to doing as a mother. You quite possibly had an idea in your head of how you would feed, clothe, diaper, sleep ‘train’, and potty train your youngin’s years before they were actually here. But still, you are never prepared.

You probably also had an idea of how your future children would always behave, act in public, listen to you the FIRST time, and be very agreeable… because after all… YOU have been watching, YOU have lots of experience with little kids, YOU are an expert in this whole ‘kid’ thing, and YOU are going to be a much better mother than all of those other mothers you saw struggling. I mean, it’s quite simple, if they just did this or that they wouldn’t be so stressed out… and maybe they’re kids would listen more often.

HA. HA. HA. Then… YOU had a baby! YOU became a mother! Little miss know-it all… MY kid will never use a ‘paci’, MY kid will NOT have a bottle past the age of one, MY kid will NEVER tell me ‘no’, and DEFINITELY will NOT throw a tantrum in public! Did I say HA. HA. HA. yet?

The thing is, we all, to some extent, have these vivid ideas of what motherhood is all about. Ideas about what we will do and what we won’t do. Some of those things we may absolutely know we would NEVER waiver on (unless there’s an emergency) and we WILL follow through.

Maybe sleeping in your bed until they’re at the very awkward age of eleven… NOT! Sleeping over at a friend’s house on a school night… NOT! Go skydiving out of an airplane while they’re still living under your roof… definitely NOT! And, maybe… ya… that’s all I got!

All the rest of the stuff, the day you found out you were going to be the mother to a bouncing, adorable, happy baby… well, you might as well have wadded all that up into a ball and grand slammed that sucker so far you’d never find it.

You see, as much as we mother’s (women in general?) THINK that we are in control… the truth is… we’re totally NOT.

That baby you swore you would never give a ‘paci’… that amazing, adorable, little person wouldn’t seem to sleep unless they were attached to your chest like a sucker fish! And you… you were so exhausted and sleep deprived. You maybe have gotten a total of 137 minutes of sleep in the past 72 hours… and you think to yourself, “just this one time, MAYBE I can get some sleep, just once” and you reluctantly place that ‘paci’ in that little sucker fishes mouth and she takes to it like she’s a pro, and you fall asleep before your head even hits the pillow, and you sleep, for what feels like eternity. You wake up, look at the clock, and realize three hours have gone by! Woohoo!

The next night, you feed her, change her, and glancing at the clock, you realize it’s already 1:30 in the morning, and your little sucker fish is back at it… SUCK. SUCK. SUCK… CRY. CRY. CRY… She can’t possibly be hungry, you JUST fed her… for like two straight hours! And in your slightly less exhausted state you see that ‘paci’ laying in her bed and you think, “just tonight, that’s all, I swear!” You calm your baby as she grows accustomed to sucking on this little rubber contraption that slightly reminds her of you and her eyes gently begin to close, you lay her down, climb into bed, and aahhhh… dreamland. When you wake up, you realize you just got another three hours of sleep, in a row… again. That ‘paci’ is all it took… and you’re done… GONE! You realize what a stupid idea that was anyways and convince yourself you were wrong, “I mean everyone uses a ‘paci’, don’t they? Oh, who cares, I got sleep… hallelujah!!!”

This was just the first of many times you changed your ideas of what was right or wrong, good or bad. That ‘paci’ was just the beginning, wasn’t it?

You sit at the kitchen table coaxing your handsome little devil into eating just a bite of broccoli and there he sits saying, “NO. NO. NO.” Didn’t you say he’d never tell you no? But just try to get him to take a bite, chew, and swallow… just try!

And that little cutie that you thought would behave the entire day as you made your stops at the post office, grocery shopping, pharmacy, and just one short stop at target… you think to yourself, “I know she’s tired… but it will only take a half an hour! She can make it!” And approximately 7.2 minutes into your last stop (as you’re getting lost in the excitement of rummaging through the dollar section for that one thing you just have to have… you have no idea what that might be, but it’s there, all the while making a mental list of things you actually need… deodorant and dish soap) you hear a blood curdling scream that sounds vaguely like what you’d imagine a fight between a screech owl and a cat might sound like. “I (wahaha) WANT (screech) CANDY (aahhh) NOW… WAHAHAHAHA!!!”

You turn around to see where that horrific noise is coming from only to discover its YOUR child laying on her back in the middle of the aisle. Your mind instantly goes into overdrive… “OMG… what on earth… what do I do? I don’t know what to do? She won’t listen to me! People are starting to stare!” You try to reason with her like you might when she wants to wear rain boots when it’s 85 degrees outside and you just bought the cutest little pair of sandals! But it’s NOT. WORKING. At that moment, as people are staring at you, not having a clue as to what to do but wait, or leave, or bribe her with a lollipop (or four), another mother comes up to you and whispers in your ear, “don’t worry, it happens to everyone sometime!” And you smile, with a tear in your eye, pick up your slightly calmer child and make a mental note that you will NEVER take kids shopping. EVER. AGAIN! HA! HA! HA!

And potty training… oh my. You thought you were going to have that little stinker completely potty trained by the time they were 18 months old, two at the absolute latest. And there you were, after two years of ‘training’, still trying to figure out why you’re wiping the bottom of this three-and-a-half-year-old. They were so interested, so ready, even peed on a cheerio in the little half sized pot sitting in the corner of the bathroom a time or two. You read all the books, listened to the advice of everyone who had blazed the trail before you, you made sticker charts, had a treat bucket, bribed to buy that cutie a new toy, you did everything you could possibly think of and you still sat wiping that cute little bottom. What gives? You soon realize that you have absolutely no control over many things as a mother. You throw the whole potty training hat out the window and hope for the best. You’ve never REALLY known a kindergartener in diapers… have you?

Oh, and that new car you swore you’d never let your kids eat food in… well, after two days of short car rides listening to nothing but fighting and “he touched me” and “she looked at me” … ya… that car… you could probably make a whole happy meal out of all of the french fries and chicken nuggets on the floor now… you may even get a bowl of cheerios…

There are so many more things you may think you have had all figured out. But motherhood is a journey that you are on for many years. You are constantly learning, growing, and changing along with your child(ren). There is no right or wrong way to do anything… but there is a right way for you! We eventually learn to choose our battles. After all, they ARE only little once and sometimes you just have to find the humor in things and laugh… LAUGH!!! Even if tears are rolling down your cheeks… LAUGH!!!

You could not ever imagine how fast time really would go by… until it did. We listen to people throughout our whole parenting journey say things like, “enjoy them while they’re little! It goes so fast! Before you know it they’ll be all grown up!” And we nod our head, and say, “I know, I am, I’m trying to anyway!”

And then one day you wake up and it’s like a sucker punch to the heart! You don’t know what happened, how it happened, or even when it happened… but all of these little people around you are now taller than you, or almost as tall as you anyway, are all ‘big’ people (like grown up sized people) and you realize you haven’t had to change a diaper, give a bath, wash hair, had to deal with a sleepless night OR a public display of hard core temper tantrum for YEARS! Not days, not weeks… YEARS! All you have is the memories of those precious years (and hopefully a LOT of pictures)!

And you realize…

NOTHING can prepare you for the feelings you’ll have when your ‘baby’ gets his license and asks to drive to a friends’ house… ALONE!

NOTHING can prepare you for what it feels like to watch your ‘baby’ march across the stage to grab that diploma and walk out the doors of that high school one last time!

NOTHING can prepare you for what it feels like to walk into that empty bedroom, void of a bed, a dresser, clothes on the floor, and all of their belongings because your ‘baby’ has moved out of your home into their own!

NOTHING can prepare you for how you’ll feel when you watch as your ‘baby’ drives away in the back of that car on her way to boot camp… to be gone for months!

And NOTHING can prepare you for the feelings you will have when you realize you are closer to empty nesting rather than nesting for a precious new baby!

But…

NOTHING can prepare you for how amazing it is to watch your ‘babies’ grow into caring, strong, responsible, slightly opinionated, big people!

And NOTHING can prepare you for how awesome it is to watch them succeed, follow their dreams, look out into the world at all of the opportunities that are before them, and to have their whole lives ahead of them to do whatever they want to do and to become whoever they want to be!

Today, when you’re brushing out that super tangled mess of hair wanting to scream louder than the little (big) girl whose hair you are brushing… just breathe… and hang on… for just a little longer… trust me, you’ll regret it if you don’t!

Isaiah 49:15 – “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you” (ESV).

Isaiah 66:13 -As one whom his mother comforts, I will comfort you (NIV).

2 Kings 4:30 – Then the mother of the child said, “As the Lord lives and as you yourself live, I will not leave you.” So he arose and followed her (ESV).

What is depression? What does it feel like? Although everyone who has ever experienced depression has probably experienced it in their own unique way, I still believe that there are quite a few of us who have several similarities when it comes to how we feel. Unfortunately, I have far too much experience with depression and trying to figure out what it all means, how to stop or change it, or even how to accept it; as it is who I am. I can honestly say that I hate it, I hate it with a passion, but sometimes feel as if I have no choice but to endure it!

Depression is this… it is disastrous… it consumes you… it takes over your mind… it takes over your thoughts, feelings, attitudes… it takes over your body… and it can even seem as if it is taking over your soul. If you have never suffered from depression or know someone who has, and I mean closely (not your neighbors sisters daughters friend), then chances are it may be something that you just don’t understand.

You may even have had thoughts like these run through your mind…

• Just get over it
• Well then quit thinking thoughts like that if it hurts
• That’s not even logical thinking
• Who cares what so and so thinks of you or what they said
• Just smile, pretend you’re happy, you know – fake it ‘til you make it
• Count your blessings
• You have so much to be thankful for
• You’re healthy
• Just be happy
• What is wrong with you
• Can’t you see what you have
• Have you taken your meds lately

I will tell you, probably every person who has ever dealt with depression has said these things to themselves… more than you will EVER know, so telling someone these things, is not telling them anything they haven’t already heard a million times before! The problem is, you can’t just say (or think) a few words and all is better, there is no just forget about it, or move on, or get over it! It doesn’t work like that! If it did… there would be a lot less people in this world feeling down in the dumps.

I am going to speak from my heart, but please note that this is just my personal experience. Also note that this is not how I have felt every single day of my life, but I have been in this place far more than I would like to have to admit and it is a constant struggle to stay out. My hope is that if there are any of you out there who have ever felt any of these things (or know someone who has) and have felt alone, know that you are NOT alone and there IS hope!

I was recently at a concert and one of the songs was about this very thing. Part of the lyrics (as I’m sure we’ve all heard several times in many different songs) spoke the words of not being able to see the sunshine through the rain. That is a very simplified way of explaining what depression feels like, but it’s a start.

The reality is, when I have been depressed, there IS no sunshine. There IS no good. Period. There is nothing but an empty, heavy hole in my heart! A hole that is yearning for love, but can’t find any! Longing for peace, but there is only anxiety! Thirsting for laughter, but there’s only tears! Trying to catch my breath, but there is no air! Trying to stay above water, but I’m drowning anyways! A heart desperately trying to count its’ blessings but reality is so distorted that no blessings can be seen! Even the good that anyone should be able to see is just not visible to my own eyes. The blessings are clouded by lies and THIS is what I see…

I look at my beautiful, happy, healthy, growing children and know how wonderful it is that I was blessed (chosen actually) to be a mother (their mother). I know that I have everything in the world to be “happy” about. But what I REALLY see is all of the things I wish I could do over, the things I wish I would have taught them, the time I wish I wouldn’t have wasted that I can’t get back, and mostly the mistakes I’ve made and the pain and suffering that they may endure because of my failures.

I look at my husband, this man that has stood by my side through all of life’s ups and downs, and proven his love for me over and over and over. The man that I’ve shared over half of my life with that deep down I love so much it hurts. But what I REALLY see is the complete and utter disaster I’ve made of my marriage, the grief I’ve caused us both, my unrelenting selfishness, the unfulfilled expectations that continue to break my heart, all of the things that I’ve tried so hard to change but can’t, and the reality in my own mind that I am not, nor ever will be, worth his love or what he’s really ever wanted… and the fear that someday he’ll figure all of that out!

I look at myself in the mirror and I see a healthy (almost) 40-year old woman. A strong woman who has carried, birthed, and nursed babies. A woman who has loved, been loved, laughed, cried, struggled, and succeeded in life. I may not have the same body I had when I was 20, or even 30 for that matter, however, I am alive. But all I can REALLY see is what I’m not and what I’ll never be. I will never measure up to what the world says is “enough”, “beautiful”, or “perfect”! I will never again be 20 (or 30) and be youthful and carefree! I have realized that who I thought I should be and who I have always wanted to be (and still try so hard to become) is an illusion of perfection, an impossible feat, a futile attempt. And because I’ve never actually become her, I feel like I’ve failed… again. How do I learn to be content and satisfied with who I am when my vision is clouded by what I think should be? How do I age gracefully when I’m not ready to age at all? How do I look on the inside to what matters the most when everything around me screams to look on the outside? And how do I feel loved when the world constantly whispers that I’m unlovable and that I’ll never be enough?

I may have everything in this world that I have ever wanted, but often times I still feel miserable, and now add to that the shame and the guilt! Because I KNOW that I have abundant blessings, but I can’t always see. Because of the pain and suffering I know I’ve created in my own life and in the lives of those I love the most. For all of my failures and for all of the mistakes I’ve made. Because I have never quite become that woman I thought I’d be, but even more so because I still don’t know how to accept myself just the way I am; for who I am, for what I’ve endured, for what I’ve accomplished, and for who I am yet to be!

That, my dear friends, is what depression feels like!

Then one day, for one fleeting moment, I get a glimpse of peace, of joy, of happiness and it keeps me holding on to hope. And I know that I can’t give up! I know that there is more to life than this. And in that moment, the clouds move away and I can see, and all of those blessings become visible once again. Then I know that the Lord is with me and wants to set me free of the struggle.

So you see, telling someone the same things they already know isn’t always helpful, but almost rather demeaning, chastising, and demoralizing. You may often wonder what you can do. Unfortunately, I do not have an answer to that. I don’t even know what to tell my own husband, family, or friends to do or how to respond when I fall into my dump. But what I do know is that it’s helpful if you don’t let go. It’s helpful if you have a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. And it means EVERYTHING when you approach with love rather than run out of fear.

I don’t know how and I don’t always understand why I have had to endure this heartache so often and for so long. What I do know is that sometimes I can honestly say that a very small part of me is grateful for the sadness and the hurt, because without it I may not know my need for Jesus! This may just be my cross to bear, the thorn in my side! If my experience can be used to encourage another to not give up hope, to turn to Jesus, and to carry on… then I will allow God to use me and I will always try to be thankful because of it!

A few of my all-time favorite verses that have helped me to overcome my dump and that have encouraged me to move forward:

James 1:2-4 – Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything (NLT).

2 Peter 1:6 – Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to Godliness (NLT).

Romans 5:3 – We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us. They help us learn to endure (NLT).

Romans 12:12 – Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (NIV).

Romans 15:13 – May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (NIV).

Isaiah 26:4 – Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal (NIV).

Isaiah 54:10 – “For the mountains may depart and the hills disappear, but even then I will remain loyal to you. My covenant of blessings will never be broken,” says the Lord, who has mercy on you (NLT).

John 3:33 – Those who believe him discover that God is true (NLT).

Mark 2:17 – On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners” (NIV).

Hello! It’s your mama! I just want to say that I love you so much! You are an AMAZING, smart, talented, funny, unique, beautiful little girl – or young lady rather! I know that I am not always the best at encouraging that or showing you that it’s true! But believe me… it’s true! I promise!

I know that sometimes we don’t always get along very well! And sometimes I argue FAR TOO OFTEN with you! I say this, because honestly, I shouldn’t be arguing with you at all! You see, I am your mother! Not your girlfriend down the street, not your sister, and not some girl at school, but your mama!

I shouldn’t be arguing with you because there should be nothing to argue about! I haven’t been doing you any favors in life by allowing myself to fall into these fighting matches with you! You see – my job is not to be your friend, give you everything you want, or even to be your slave! My job is to love you enough to NOT do those things! My job is to raise you so that you will grow up to be a young woman that people want to be around, a young woman who is polite and respectful, a young woman who cares about other people more than herself, a young woman who takes responsibility for herself and her behaviors and attitudes!

And, you see – I have not been doing that! I have been teaching you all these years that it is okay to be disrespectful when you don’t get what you want! I have been teaching you that you can treat people poorly when you’re upset or angry! I’ve been teaching you that you don’t need to do anything for anyone but everyone should do everything for you! And I’ve been teaching you that if you are rude and you throw a big enough tantrum that you will get what you want! I have been teaching you this partly by example, and partly by allowing it.

I am SO incredibly sorry for all of these things that I have been teaching you! And I am sorry that in some areas I have failed you as a mother, as a mentor, as a teacher, and as a leader! I am sorry because if I continue to allow this behavior to go on, you will not grow to be the respectful young woman that I know you can be. You will not continue to grow to be the caring and compassionate and giving young woman that I know you are, but instead you will grow to be rude, selfish, self-centered, and demanding! That is not at all what I want for you, and although you may be too young to understand, and you may not even realize, that is not what you want for yourself either!

I know deep down you want to grow up to be the best woman you can be, and I have no doubt in my mind that you will be, you already are! I am amazed by you every day – your strength, your perseverance, your determination, your will, your compassion, your love, your patience, your intelligence, and so much more!

I am only saying this today because I absolutely love you more than life itself and I want the absolute best for you!!! It is very easy it is to get consumed with our feelings, our thoughts, our behaviors, along with all of the ‘things’ we think we want and need in life!

You see – all of these ‘things’ that you think you just have to have…

• The trendiest clothes
• The coolest shoes
• The newest iPhone
• The coolest new toy
• The most recent social media account

All of these things are just things! They do absolutely nothing for you, for who you are as a person, or for your future, they mean NOTHING!

Sure, you might feel cool for a while – but for how long? Until the new trendiest clothes come out, the next new iPhone, the coolest new shoes? I wish I could make you see at your young age that although all of these things might make you feel cool, even really good about yourself… it is fleeting! It doesn’t last! There is always going to be the next new ‘thing’ that we think we have to have!

I want you to know from the inside out that you’re cool enough, special enough, important enough, beautiful enough, and absolutely amazing, not because you have the coolest ‘stuff’ but because God says you are! Because God loves you, because He tells you you’re enough, because He tells you you’re beautiful, and because He promises to always be there for you (us) and He will never leave you (us)! And I want nothing more than for you to believe Him, with all of your heart, believe Him and desire to know Him more!

I know I haven’t always set the best example with this! And I really wish over the years I would have been able to do a better job at teaching you ALL about God’s love for you! I wish I understood it better myself!

But I DO know this! Nothing will fill that hole in your heart like knowing Jesus! No shoes, clothes, make-up, toys, cars, boys, friends, iPhones… NOTHING! God put that hole in your heart on purpose! It is a gift he gave us all! A gift we may not always understand, but a gift none the less! He put that hole in your heart because only He can fill it, and He WANTS to! Only he can make you feel whole! Only He can love you like you desire to be loved! Even more than me… and that’s A LOT… that’s even hard for me to understand!

This is what I wish I would have taught you sooner, more of, and set a better example of! When we realize we are loved so much, THAT is when we can truly be free of all of those other worries, fears, feelings of needing to be ‘cool’ or ‘enough’ or to simply ‘fit in’! Do you hear me? He sets us free from all of those worries, fears, and bad feelings!!! How awesome is that?

I hope and pray that someday you will understand and have a fire in your heart to know your Lord, the one who loves you more than you could possibly ever understand! The one who will never leave your side! The one who wants you to know Him and has a desire to have a relationship with you! Only then will you truly be satisfied! Only then will you understand that all of the ‘stuff’ of this world doesn’t matter! And only then will you begin to understand my love for you… if even just a little!

Love,

Your Mama!!!

Psalm 139:14 – I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well (NIV).

John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (NIV).

Deuteronomy 31:8 – The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you not forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged (NIV).

1 Peter 3:3-4 – Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight (NIV).

Psalm 144:12b – May our daughters be like graceful pillars, carved to beautify a palace (NLT).

1 John 3:1 – See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him (NIV).

Psalm 127:3 – Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him (NLT).

Ephesians 1:16-17 – I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God (NLT).

Mom, I sit here and watch you always taking care of everyone. You have so much love to spread around. You cook for the armies which are our family. You welcome all of them into your home no matter how much room you don’t have. You are there at every special occasion no matter what it takes. You plan parties just to be sure everyone gets together every once in a while. You would do anything you could for your family; your children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, siblings, friends. You care about each and every one of us. You are the matriarch of this whole big bunch. You want more than anything to pass on your love of family TO your family. You have a legacy Mom! A legacy of family!

I have seen you lose so much Mom. I’ve watched you lose your parents, siblings, cousins, friends, and even a child. You have endured unimaginable pain, hurt, and suffering with grace. You hurt every now and then and you’re tired. Sometimes you don’t want to go on anymore. Sometimes you don’t know how to go on anymore. Sometimes pain and fear are just too much to bear. But you find a way to go on because you are needed and because you care, you are compassionate and kind-hearted, and because you’re strong. You have a legacy Mom! A legacy of strength!

I’ve seen you crushed Mom. I’ve seen the pain in your eyes. I’ve seen the hurt that having children has caused you. When they hurt, you hurt. When they suffer, you suffer. When they weep, you weep. You are their whipping post and you take it. You take it with a smile on your face, a tear in your eye, and a pain in your heart. But you are their safe place Mom. You are their home. You take the aching in your heart because you know someone has to. You put up with their selfishness and you never turn your back. You never turn away because you love. You love with everything you have in you. You want more than anything for them to find their way and be full of joy. When they love, you love. When they are happy, you are happy. When they celebrate, you celebrate. You have a legacy Mom! A legacy of motherhood.

I’ve seen you fight Mom. I’ve seen you fight for what you think is right. For your family. For your dreams. For your hopes. I’ve seen you fight to keep your marriage together. To keep your family together. I’ve even seen you fight to keep yourself together. You are strong and powerful. You have loved when it would have been easier not to. You have remained strong when you have wanted to be weak. You have kept going when it would have been easier to quit. You have forgiven when it would have been easier to hold a grudge. You have never given up! You have a legacy Mom! A legacy of perseverance!

I have seen the way you love Mom! The way you love everyone with all your heart. The way you pour your heart and soul into everything you do. You have a light inside. You have passion. You have fire. You love to love. I have seen you love those who have taken advantage of you. I have seen you love those who have hurt you. I have seen you love those that need you. I have seen you love those who don’t deserve you. I’ve seen you love those who love you. I’ve seen you love when it’s easy and I’ve seen you love when it’s hard. And most of all I’ve seen you love me! You have a legacy Mom! A legacy of love!

Remember these things Mom. You have touched so many people with your kindness, love, acceptance, compassion, your whole being. You have lived a life to be proud of. So be proud. You’ve carried out your responsibility as a woman, friend, wife, sister, and mother. So let someone else be responsible every once in a while. For the rest of your days live a life you love and love your life. Don’t be so concerned with what everyone else is doing or how they are living their lives, we will all learn and become wiser as we grow older and gain experience. Have faith that God has a plan, He is in control! It’s not your responsibility to take care of everyone else, they should be taking care of you. Live your life the way you want to! And just remember… you already have a legacy! You are my mom!

Jeremiah 29:11-14 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord…

Ephesians 6:1-3 – Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right. Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise – that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life.

Isaiah 66:13 – As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you.

Proverbs 31:2 – Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

Exodus 21:12 – Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that they Lord your God is giving you.

Guess what? I’m gonna let you in on a little secret! Marriage is HARD! Any of you that have been married longer than a week have probably already figured that out. So, it really wasn’t a secret after all. I mean, it’s hard… really, really hard!

I have seen multiple Facebook articles, blog posts, questionnaires (you name it) lately that have begged the question – what is the best marriage advice YOU would give to a newly married couple? Any of you that have been married, have family or friends that have been married, or have been in a relationship long enough to contemplate marriage have probably been privy to this type of conversation. And as you probably already know, the answers go something like this…

• Don’t go to bed angry
• Communication is everything
• Accept each other’s faults
• Remember why you fell in love in the first place
• Be honest and open about everything
• Talk about what’s bothering you
• Continue to date long after you’re married
• Etc., etc., etc.

You get the picture. The same things we’ve all heard a thousand times. Well, I’m going to step out of the box here for a minute and say that the best marriage advice you could possibly ever listen to is this…

Don’t take ANY marriage advice!!!

You may all be wondering why on earth I would say this! I am not a Debbie downer who thinks there is no hope (although sometimes I admit, I really truly am)! I am not in any way trying to steer you away from that good solid advice that your great grandparents have been passing down for generations! And I certainly am not saying that I have all of the answers! No, what I am saying is this…

I have spent 20 years of my marriage feeling guilty and like I have somehow failed miserable at being a wife because my husband and I don’t fit the mold of the ‘perfect marriage’! The mold that all of these well-meaning people try to help us to fit into. And sometimes that well-meaning marriage advice just doesn’t fit into who we are either! The idea of not EVER going to sleep angry sounds like a great idea! But honestly… it’s a load of crap! Maybe you are fully capable of having a conversation immediately about whatever issues may arise. Maybe you or your husband (or both of you) are talkers who are willing to hash out whatever it is that has pissed one of you off. Maybe you are very good at forgiving and forgetting. Maybe neither of you are one to hold a grudge for very long. And maybe, just maybe, you haven’t been hurt by one another so badly (yet) that you need a few days, even weeks, to recover from a broken heart.

You just can’t ALWAYS go to bed in good spirits and not angry, it’s just not always possible to solve a problem, heal a broken heart, or become ‘un-mad’ in a matter of a couple of hours. I am a talker, I could stay up all night and talk into the wee hours of the morning to ‘solve’ or ‘discuss’ any issues that my husband and I might have. But my husband is NOT! He has to get up early for work, he’s tired, he’s NOT a talker and words just don’t come as easily to him as they do to me, sometimes he needs time to really think about what it is he is thinking or feeling, and sometimes he may NEVER figure it out! So you know what, we’ve gone to bed mad, hurt, down right ANGRY several times before… it doesn’t mean we’re failing at this thing called marriage… I hope!

Communicate, communicate, communicate… this also really just gets my goat! Don’t get me wrong, I DO believe that communication is an extremely important aspect in marriage, I really do and I would give just about anything to have more of it! But for some couples (like my husband and me) it’s just not all it’s cracked up to be, and often causes much more heartache, distress, and arguments in our marriage than it’s probably worth just TRYING to communicate.

Have you ever tried to pull words from the mouth of person who can’t form a complete thought without being so completely confused about anything and everything they may be feeling or thinking? I mean so confused that they can’t even form a coherent thought or sentence? Well I have, I live with one! Have you ever tried to pull words from someone’s mouth period? You can’t MAKE someone talk, I mean that’s as ludicrous as trying to MAKE a three year-old eat spinach (If you’ve been successful, at either, please share how)!

But seriously, trust me, I’ve spent several years (did I mention 20?) trying to MAKE someone talk to me…  I am ashamed to admit all of the ‘things’ I have done in a poor attempt to MAKE someone DO anything! But I’m going to put it all out there… because hey, maybe by some odd chance, I’m not the only one and maybe I’ll save you from 20 years of feeling like a complete failure of a wife like I have felt.

• I have yelled and screamed (well haven’t we all… I hope, I mean I really hope I’m not the only one)!
• I have given the silent treatment (ooohhh, scary – it’s probably the one thing he would want the most if given the option, and here I am giving it for free… as a threat no less)!
• I have said the nastiest, hurtful, ‘cut to the bone’ things I could think of! I learned at a very young age how to really hurt people with my words and by no means am I proud of this, quite the opposite actually! (I’m talking bad; things that would make any one of you shudder at the reality that the one person who is supposed to love you the most would and could even say to you, things that can make you doubt your worth, your integrity, your value, whether or not you’re even loveable, and so much more)!
• I have left… yes, literally drove off into the sunset to show him (show him what I’m not quite sure yet because I keep coming back, quickly, like after I go buy a pack of cigarettes, drive around the block 14 times (not off into the sunset) to smoke all but 5 of those cigarettes, cry to a few loves songs, and then go back home… and I don’t even smoke)!
• I have threatened divorce more times than anyone who is still married should EVER be threatening (or even thinking about) – not really sure what I’ll do that one time he may just say ‘Okay’!
• I have withheld sex (really that’s just dumb… really dumb – I mean I’m punishing myself trying to punish him)!
• I’ve pulled out every single guilt trip I could possibly muster up in my mind to MAKE him feel so bad that he is sure to open that mouth and speak (this is really quite counterintuitive because all I’m really successful at doing is backing him into a corner where he just clams up even more! Being a pro at MAKING my husband talk – 0, being a pro at causing my husband to clam up and say nothing, for weeks – 738,291)!
• And, I admit, probably the worst of all, I have turned it all back on me! I’ve blamed myself… for all of it…
  • “Why don’t you love me enough to talk to me?”
  • “What is so wrong with me that you don’t love me?”
  • “I’ve done EVERYTHING for you and you still can’t talk to me!”
  • “IF you loved me more you would talk to me!”
  • “I bet if I was skinnier, prettier, a better cook, a better mother, sexier, made more money, kept a cleaner house, was nicer, more outgoing, not so insecure, not so miserable… I bet THEN you would love me enough to talk to me”!

The sad thing is, I have spent all of these years believing that it is MY FAULT that my husband has an extremely difficult time talking about ANYTHING! My point is, we may never fit into that ‘perfect marriage’ mold once again… but that doesn’t mean we can’t accept the things about each other and our relationship that we can’t change! And it’s much more important to focus on doing just that than making sure we communicate perfectly all the time. We find our way the majority of the time… it may just not be the way the rest of the world sees fit!

And one more of my favorites, talk about what’s bothering you or what’s on your mind and always be honest! What? I mean this is great when you look at your husband and all you see are those big sexy muscles, that dark hair, and those big beautiful blue eyes. Or when he makes you laugh so hard you snort or when his smile makes you catch your breath! Then by all means, YES, be honest, tell him what is on your mind… always… keep it coming!

But seriously, have you ever looked at your husband and wondered why on earth you married this man (if it hasn’t happened yet, trust me, some day it will)? Have you ever been so disgusted by his little idiosyncrasies that you vomit a little in your throat (trust me, that’ll happen too)? Or have you ever compared him to your friend’s husband, your neighbor, or that romantic hero on TV? Chances are you probably should NOT be completely honest about any one of those things! I mean do you really want to hear every time your husband is disgusted with you, wishes you were different than you are, or when you make him want to puke? I mean in a perfect world we would never feel those things towards our spouses, but the reality is, we’re human, and we don’t always have control over what thoughts we have, only over what we do with those thoughts!

So all I’m saying is this… if you and your husband don’t fit into the mold of the ‘perfect marriage’ or ‘that’ marriage advice just doesn’t work for you… so what! Then throw it out the window! You only need to do what works for you and that may change over time as you grow, mature, and change together! Don’t let yourself feel like you’ve lost or failed before you’ve even gotten started! And if you’re many years down the road and still struggling like I do… please remember that there is always hope!

There is always someone who is there to listen to your pain, fear, anger, and hurt (His name is Jesus)! There is always someone rooting your marriage on even when you think it’s too far gone (His name is Jesus)! Those couples who have made it to be married for 50 years surely didn’t get there by fitting a mold and always doing everything perfectly… they got there by never giving up, by sacrificing for each other, and by persevering through those hard times (even when they had vomit in their throats), and I truly believe – by having the Lord on their side!

I will do my best to always selflessly persevere through all of the obstacles that come my way but chances are I probably will, yet again, yell and scream, give the silent treatment, drive around the block a few more thousand times, and even execute the most (non)effective guilt trip I can muster up, all because I’m human and all because I’m me! And if my husband can love me through all of that and not give up on me, then I surely owe it to him to not give up on us!

Song of Solomon 2:8 –  Listen! My beloved! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills (NIV).

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (NIV).

Song of Solomon 4:7 – You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you (NIV).

Mark 10:7-9 – For this reason as man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate (NIV).

Song of Solomon 6:3 – I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he browses among the lilies (NIV).

Colossians 3:18-19 – Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them (NIV).

Song of Solomon 8:3 – His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me (NIV).

Disclaimer: I know that sometimes marriages do not work out, and sometimes that is for the better! And that’s ok! This is by no means meant to ridicule or offend anyone who has been through a divorce. I pray for you all for healing and for comfort!