disastrouslyredeemed

So, I’m sitting here tonight thinking of all of the “things” I tell people! The things I say to be encouraging, the things I say I am (or rather want to be), the kind of mother I am, the kind of wife I am, the kind of friend I am, the things that I WANT to believe are true (but sometimes struggle with doubt). And as much as it all sounds fabulous in my mind and as it comes out of my mouth and travels to someone else’s ears, it’s so much easier said than done!

Women are very good at having opinions! And we are exceptional at sharing those opinions! But for some reason… they only apply to OTHER women (or men in some cases)! I often wonder why it is so easy to see the ‘right’ way to do things, feel about things, react to things, when it’s NOT me! But I throw myself into the mix, and all of those opinions… well, then they just don’t sound so smart, easy, or even possible to put in to practice anymore. Basically, they don’t stand a chance!

I tend to expect everyone else to so easily be able to feel a certain way, react to difficulty a certain way, or even think a certain way… but yet, I, myself, just can’t seem to do it! And when others have those opinions about ME… oh boy, you better watch yourself! Because I don’t know about you, but I myself CERTAINLY do NOT need someone else telling me how to think, feel, act, react, or deal with a situation, especially when I emotionally strained and drained! I got this! But really, NO, I don’t got this!

I am a pro at putting this scenario into practice! I can look at someone else’s struggles, mistakes, and ‘issues’ and have ALL the answers. I can tell you why your kids don’t listen. I can tell you why you’re not happy in your marriage. I can tell you why that friendship is falling apart. I can even tell you how to deal with that one person in your life that causes you all sorts of frustration due to their huge desire for drama or consistent negativity!

I may be able to tell you all of those things, and honestly it may actually be a very good place to start in helping to guide you into a healthier frame of mind about a situation (or to help you change) or it may not. It may even be a very accurate ‘opinion’ of YOUR problems, or it may not! But the truth is… I. KNOW. NOTHING! I am a fraud! I can have the best, wisest, most mature, Godly advice, and I may even believe it wholeheartedly… but for some reason, I just canNOT seem to listen to my own words, I just canNOT change! Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just hard! It’s so hard to change who we are! To change our way of thinking, the way we view life, the way we view others, and how we function within ourselves.

Over the past few years I have been on a mission to change who I am, because honestly, I often hate who that is! I don’t understand why I want the things I want when I probably will never get them, I mean wouldn’t it just be so much easier if I could just NOT want those things anymore? I don’t understand why I’m so overly emotional about things that don’t seem to bother other women, wouldn’t it be so much easier if I could just no longer let those things bother me? And, I don’t understand how I can love the Lord, want to have peace and joy in my life, live faithfully for Jesus, and love others but yet I still can be so judge-mental towards their choices, I still struggle with selfishness, and I still make so many mistakes (on a daily basis), wouldn’t it just be so much easier if I could just be the person I want to be, always?

One thing that I have learned during this ‘changing me’ journey (that MOST of the time I forget) is that I don’t have to be the one to ‘change me’! What, you ask? Nope! I don’t have to, because if I allow Him to, the Lord will do the changing IN me! Romans 12:2 says, “Do not copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is” (NLT).

What a RELIEF!!! I don’t necessarily have to do all of the changing, I just have to keep my eyes on Jesus, and in time, he will change and transform my heart. A few years ago, when I was going through some very difficult times emotionally, I made this ‘my verse’, my mantra, my words to live by. I copied it onto a note on my phone so I could read it anytime I needed reminding that God will do the work if I am just willing to listen and let Him. I memorized it to chant to myself over and over again during times of deep distress! And WOW, what an impact it made on my life, what a sense of peace I did acquire during those difficult times, just by taking the time to remember that the Lord is in control and CAN do the changing!

Now, I’m not going to lie and say that I’ve completely changed and that I don’t ever get frustrated, or even angry, when I don’t get the things I want, cry about everything (still), and continue to sin… day, after day, after day, after day – EVEN when I don’t WANT to! But as I sit here, right now, I am reminded that if I keep my eyes on the Lord, he WILL create in me a clean heart, a desire to do the right thing, the wisdom and discernment I need to know how to act and react to those sticky situations, and, most importantly, to trust and have faith that HE is in control! I am reminded that He can (and will) change me. Once again, I am going to pull that note up on my phone as a reminder of all of these things! And hey, I may even add a few more just for extra encouragement! You with me? Are you willing to open up your heart and let the Lord change you?

Philippians 2:13 – For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases Him (NLT).

Psalms 51:10 – Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me (NIV).

Matthew 7:7-8 – Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks (NLT).

James 1:5 – If you need wisdom, if you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and he will gladly tell you (NLT).

Philippians 3:12-13 – I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear friends, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead (NLT).

I cannot believe that I am living in my 40^th year. It really seems like not too long ago that I was hanging out on Saturday night in my girlfriend’s bedroom after a night at Barnstormers (a teen dance club) eating pizza, drinking Coke, and having burping contests… or maybe I was just competing against myself in my own mind!

There are so many things that I thought I would accomplish by the time I was 40! I mean ya, I have a husband, kids, a house, a career, a vehicle to drive, great friends, all of that kind of stuff (all of the THINGS I’ve ever wanted)! I’m talking like emotional accomplishments! Maturity accomplishments! And I’m still sitting here half the time wondering when and if I’m EVER going to feel, or act, my age… not that I necessarily want to!

The things I’m talking about… things that I thought would make life better, easier, less emotional, and not as difficult…

I thought by the time I was 40 I would:

• Be confident in who I am… my personality, my life choices, my body, my behaviors, my thoughts, my feelings, who I am as a mother and a wife, etc.!
• Not compare myself to other women… and finally be happy with who I AM! I wonder sometimes if this is really even possible! At what age do you really not compare yourself to other women… ever? I mean I watch my 72-year-old mother still get caught up the compare game! Lord held me, if I’m still this insecure in 30-some years… I just can’t!
• Be confident in the love of my husband… and not still wonder if he wants me, finds me beautiful, desirable, sexy, or a complete idiot! I never thought I would still feel like I have to TRY so hard to make him love me and so often still feel unloved (and yes, I know I can’t MAKE him love me)! I really just thought that saying I do and pledging vows was an immediate source of unending love and commitment! I never realized it would be so hard to keep going sometimes and that I would still, after 20 years, wonder if he even loves me! Nope, wasn’t prepared for that!
• Not care what people think of ME when they see my kids… As a pregnant teenager nothing bothered me more that my mother thinking that me getting pregnant was a reflection on the kind of mother she was. After all, she DID teach me about abstinence, saving myself for marriage, all the things all of us mothers want to teach our children, but I still made my own choice. In my mind (and in reality) it was MY choice, not anything she did or didn’t do right or wrong! It just wasn’t about her! With that being said, I still worry that my children’s occasional psychotic outbreaks and poor decision making skills are a measure of my value as a mom! I need to remind myself that sometimes it’s just not about me either!
• Not care what people think OF my kids… I really don’t want to concern myself with what others think of my children or the choices they make. For example, I have a daughter in the army – I think it’s awesome and she’s a bad*ss, although some people may wonder, “how could you ever let her do that?” (and yes, I’ve heard this!) Well, frankly, it wasn’t my choice and I would like my kids to grow up happy, self-sufficient, and able to make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes. And ya, sometimes my kids are obnoxious a-holes, aren’t yours? Ever? And sometimes they’re even a little inappropriate and too grown up for their ages… but ya know what, I think they’re freakin’ hysterical, and funny, and happy, and know how to have a great time, and believe it or not, they’re great people, so who cares if someone out there thinks they’re hoodlums? I think they’re awesome and I really don’t have to justify that, or them, to anyone!
• Be financially stable… HA!!! Ya, will this day EVER come? I mean, I should be financially stable, I have no reason not to be… other than the fact that I love Target a little too much, as she makes me feel really good at times when I feel really down! Along with some of her friends like Pier 1, Maurice’s, Victoria Secret’s, and Michael’s! And sometimes I make irresponsible spending choices! I DO wish I was better in this department, and I am getting there – just thought by now that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore!
• No longer care what people think of ME or about ME… Ya, I admit, sometimes I care about this far more often than I should! I say stupid things and make myself sick over how dumb I sounded for weeks, months, sometimes even years! Pathetic! And, I am a Christian, I love the Lord God with all my heart – but I’m human – and sometimes I drink too much wine, I swear like a sailor (and I kinda like it), I like tattoos, sometimes I gossip, sometimes I’m judge-mental, sometimes I have a bad attitude and I get frustrated easily, sometimes I have horrible road rage (and then I think, there’s no way that the 581 people that I am sharing the road with all are idiots, so maybe it’s me… nah, couldn’t be)! And sometimes I’m just a downright b*tch! So, I find myself worrying that people think I’m a fraud, how could I be a real Christian, how could I behave in a certain way AND love the Lord? Well, I don’t know, but I do! I’m not perfect, but I know every day the Lord is working in me to change my heart, to make me more like him! So, you see, sometimes I really don’t care, but sometimes I do, and I worry way more than I should! After all, those people I concern myself with surely don’t give a crap about what I think of them!
• Not feel guilty about EVERY. LITTLE. THING anymore… And yes, I nearly mean everything! I feel guilty if I work too much and I’m not home for a few days! I feel guilty if I don’t work enough and make enough money to support my relationship with Target (as mentioned above)! I feel guilty if my house is filthy and the dirty laundry sits in piles for over a week before I tend to it and I feel guilty if I ignore my kids to clean house and wash said laundry. I feel guilty if we eat pizza and Jimmy John’s every day for dinner for a week because I’m too exhausted from the demands of all of that laundry to cook anything AND I feel guilty when I cook and everyone in my house hates it! I feel guilty if I ignore my husband for a few days because I’m busy and then I feel guilty when I’m so needy that I’m ‘on him’ all the time for attention! I feel guilty that I don’t always call the people I care about but we’re all busy and just can’t always take the time, but honestly, sometimes I just don’t WANT to take the time (and I feel guilty about that too)! All of these things shouldn’t make a person feel guilty! We (meaning I) need to embrace who we are… the good and the bad! For a longer list, re-read the above bullet point for more of my guilt inducing feelings and behaviors! You get the idea… GUILTY!!!
• Quit being sorry… this kind of goes along with all of the guilt I suffer from! But really, I’m just so sick of being sorry! Sorry for the way I act and the things I do (I mean I’m really not an evil, vindictive, horrid person… I care about people, I love people, I want to do my best to help people!!! I wish PEOPLE would just give other people (including me) the benefit of the doubt, knowing that we probably ALL want to be ‘good’!!! We really must accept that we’re all human, we all have bad days, we all get irritated and aggravated for no good reason, we all have selfish tendencies that cause us to put our own needs and desires above others! We as people need to quit thinking it’s everyone else that behaves this way but not us… I mean, deal with it… we ALL do it, but it doesn’t mean we’re horrible people, and we shouldn’t have to be sorry about it all the time)! Sorry for the way I feel and who I am (I want and need conversation, I thrive on words of encouragement, I’m over-emotional and sensitive, I cry (A LOT), I care deeply about things, I’m insecure, I want to be loved and accepted, I want the very best for my kids and sometimes I get extremely scared and worry that they won’t be ok, sometimes I just want what I want (my own way) and occasionally I throw a fit when I don’t get it (and you really wouldn’t believe I’m almost 40), I easily get my feelings hurt, I’m sarcastic and sometimes hurt other people’s feelings, sometimes I yell and scream at my kids and lose my sh*t when they DON’T.EVER.JUST.LISTEN, like I said (I swear), I drink too many Monster’s and too much Coke and sometimes too much wine, I’m selfish, and… I’m really, REALLY sick of being sorry about it – like I have to explain myself or justify myself to someone other than me and the Lord)!!!
• Be happier… yes, happier! Just a little bit a little more often! Who knew life would be so difficult at times?

What kinds of things did you expect to have, think, feel, or accomplish by the time YOU were 40?

God created us to be who we are! 1 Corinthians 15:10 (NIV) – But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect… I suppose life is a journey and the Lord loves us right where we are at and guides us through the journey. 1 John 1:10 – If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us (NIV) and Ecclesiastes 7:20 – Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins (NIV). You see, we cannot be without sin, this is why we need the Lord! But with the Lord, we are accepted and forgiven. Romans 8:1 – Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And someday, with the Lord’s help, we will get to where He wants us to be. And 1 John 3:2 – Dear friends, now we are children of God and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is (NIV). We will only become perfect once we reach our heavenly home! So hopefully by the time I AM 40, I’ll quit trying so damn hard!

“I want to be loved like that”, I’ve heard people say. Then the next time I watch a movie, I hear myself thinking the same thing! I think, “if someone else feels that way, and it makes perfect sense, that must be what I’m feeling too.” That feeling of sweet, romantic, happiness mixed with sadness, discontent, and like something is missing. Usually it’s after watching romantic movies like The Notebook, The Wedding Singer or Sweet Home Alabama. My mind always wants to say, “Me too! I want to be loved like that!” But in my heart I know I already am!

We, as women, watch these movies; romance dramas, romance comedies, romance anything and we tend to get a little down about our own love lives. We wonder why OUR men never act that way in real life. Why they don’t send us big beautiful bouquets of flowers at work all the time, and if they did wouldn’t we assume it’s because they’ve done something wrong? Or why don’t they come after us and plead for forgiveness when they know they’ve hurt our feelings or made us mad and instead just let us walk away or lock ourselves in our bedrooms for a while? Why don’t they pack gourmet picnic lunches and surprise us with an afternoon date on a sunshiny day in the middle of summer, all stretched out on a soft cotton blanket with a glass of cool white wine in our hand? And while they’re at it, they could sing us beautiful, quirky, goofy songs that they wrote themselves to describe their love for us? That would be great, wouldn’t it? And I don’t think it’s too much to ask! Do you?

Do you ever wonder those things? I sure do! And I’ve spent many years thinking that since my husband hasn’t done those things that his feelings for me must be severely lacking. I’ve thought that since he didn’t ask me to marry him with an exotic, grand, exciting proposal then he must have not really wanted to marry me (you see I was pregnant when I got married and there’s always been this fear in the back of my head that he married me because he felt like he had to, not because he wanted to)! I’ve always believed that since he never would listen to my plea for a new wedding ring (because mine is much too small, out of style, and just not what I want anymore) or whatever ‘other’ thing that I thought I wanted or needed over the years, that he certainly didn’t care about me! And, I have assumed that since he never really was one to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, tell me how amazing I am, and talk about his hopes, fears, and dreams with me (Every. Single. Day.) that he just simply didn’t love me! Sounds pretty selfish from this end, huh?

I’m not sure how I let these feelings over take me this way for so long or sometimes how I’ve even managed to remain married. I’d like to say that these feelings don’t still bother me all that much, but to be honest, it’s a DAILY struggle to keep my head above the cold, murky, wet dirt. You see, all of these thoughts that lead to horrible, disastrous feelings are LIES. Satan wants to trap us in our own minds. If he can tear us down, crush our spirit, ruin our relationships, and torture our soul… well, he has us right where he wants us. And he will use any means possible… even your favorite romantic chic flick!

The thing is, all of those romantic comedies AREN’T real. So we’re absolutely right to say, “my man just isn’t like that”, he’s probably NOT! And that’s ok! This is why we must guard our hearts and be wise. We can’t allow ourselves to get so caught up in what our ‘man don’t do’ and forget what our ‘man does do’! We may want more, but sometimes we may not get more! Sometimes we need to put aside our selfish desires in order to have a loving relationship, live in peace, and stay sane. And sometimes we need to look to the Lord to fill the gaps!

My husband will probably never sing a goofy, quirky love song to me (unless he’s had a few too many jack and cokes and we’re dancing at a wedding – then when he happens to start singing along to the music I’ll just pretend that he’s singing to me)! He will probably never be the talker that I wish he was. And when I try to bait him by telling him how thankful I am that he’s my husband, that he works hard to take care of his family, that he’s always supportive of me, that he always tries to do his best to help me out with everyday mundane things, and that he’s totally HOT… well, he’ll probably never turn around and say all of those same things back to me, like I wish he would.  He’ll probably always just give me a sideways smile and a kiss.

But, you know what he will do? He will always be a loving dad who wants to be at every game, competition, birthday dinner, and any other special occasion of his children’s lives and mine. He will always be the strong, patient, level-headed parent when I can no longer deal with the demands of motherhood. He will always keep me grounded… shoot, if it wasn’t for him I would’ve floated away long ago in my hot air balloon full of illogical fantasies and ideas. He will always be a hard worker and provide for his family. He will always do his best to do laundry, dishes, and pick up around the house (even if the clean laundry sits in piles on the living-room floor for three days and becomes so covered in dog hair that it really should be re-washed)! He will always be respectful of me! And he will always care about what I have to say even if he never has a single word to offer… he’s still a great listener, he NEVER interrupts! He’ll always remember my birthday and our anniversary. He’ll always be my best friend. And hey, maybe every once in a while, at a wedding, he’ll even sing a romantic song in my ear. And that IS being ‘loved like that’!!!

Psalm 25:17 – Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish (NIV).

2 Corinthians 11:14 – And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light (NIV).

2 Thessalonians 3:3 – But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one (NIV).

Ephesians 4:2-3 – Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace (NIV).

Philippians 4:8 – Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things (NIV).

Proverbs 31:10-11 – A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value (NIV).

I have realized since I have been writing this blog that although I have in fact been real… I have not been really raw! Everything I have written or thought about writing has come from a place of a deep desire to help others to be encouraged, inspired, and most importantly, to not feel alone. But after time has gone by and I, on occasion, have re-read some of my posts, I see that something is missing. In the process, as much as I want to help others, inspire someone, or touch someone’s heart, maybe I really just want to save my own, so I hold back…

I’m going to talk about jealousy because it is something that I have struggled with for almost as long as I can remember. Bear with me because I will admit right now that some of what I am about to say is down-right ridiculous… but very real, and VERY raw.

I would like to think that I am not the minority in dealing with jealousy. I think for the most part almost all women have experienced jealousy at some time or another. And for those of you who haven’t… I admire you, I envy you, I want to be you, and I don’t believe you…

My jealous streak (as I recall) started about the time I was in middle school and sometimes, I’ll admit, is still running strong. The first time I really remember being affected by jealousy is when I had a falling out with my two best friends, I was thirteen, I was needy, and I was devastated, heart broken, hurt, and you know… it was a blow to the ol’ psyche…

Looking back, that was just young girls being typical young girls. Time passed, they became my friends again, and still are to this day, and I love them no less for it. But that situation set in motion the way I viewed myself, others, and jealousy for all my years to come. It set the precedent that I wasn’t good enough, that someone was always going to be better than me, and that I had to try (very hard) to be liked and accepted.

Jealousy shows its ugly little head in many ways. Jealousy of someone else’s kids, husband, job, house, skin, clothes, car, hair, career, friends, body, relationships, fitness, confidence, diamond ring, happiness… you get the picture… just about anything can make a girl jealous (and all of these surely have).

I admit, I can be one of the worst. I have almost everything I have ever wanted… a husband, children, a home, a good job, great friends, my health… and yet I often find myself unsatisfied, and jealous of what someone else has.

My jealousy tends to show itself more in the physical aspects of being a woman as opposed to success, career, finances, and things. I see the beautiful, flawless girls on the cover of People magazine and I have to hold back a tear and take a deep sigh as I fight to change the thoughts that are wanting to run rampant through my head. The thoughts that I’m not enough, I should try harder, I should be different. I see the tall, stylish, skinny, mom walking through Target and not only do I have to do a double take, but a quadruple take, follow her suspiciously up and down a few isles, and get caught staring as I’m wishing I could be that ‘perfect’.

I find myself comparing myself to the 20-somethings at the gym or at work and think, “why can’t I be that skinny, that beautiful, that confident, that young?” And then there’s the Victoria Secret commercials that come across the TV that make my heart literally sink in shame (and yes, I turn to see if my husband is staring) that I have a baby belly, stretch marks, floppy boobs, jiggly thighs and wasn’t able to stop it from happening, that I didn’t have better self-control, and that I just wasn’t made ‘that way’, after all I SHOULD have been made that way, shouldn’t I have. I know my whole value shouldn’t be based on whether I look like THAT… but for some reason in my head… it often times IS!!!

I’m going to admit something that is even far worse than that, or maybe just funnier… I don’t know! Most of us have probably had those types of jealousies before, but I’m going to share one of my most shameful moments… and yes, this has REALLY happened to me… and I only hope you will see the humor and the sadness, and not the stupidity!!! If you have ever felt foolish or ashamed for being jealous let me tell you this… I promise that after reading this, if even for just a moment, you’ll feel better about yourself…

Years ago my husband and I were playing a game of Candyland with the kids. You know, the never ending game with the trick cards that most of us remove from the pile BEFORE we start to play, the cards that can send you all the way back to start… every time you are oh so close to winning the game – which really just means it will FINALLY. BE. OVER. (unless you’re lucky enough to get sent forward… does that ever happen)!!! Well, ya, either my husband got to send one of us forward or he got sent forward, I don’t quite remember. But in the midst of this exciting game changer he mentioned ‘Queen Frostine’ and how someone gets to float away down the candy cane trail to her castle; and whoever it was, was going to win the game, soon…

Well, if you haven’t guessed, he said Queen Frostine and my heart sunk, like a big, heavy rock dropping to the bottom of a cold, icy lake. Why did he know her name? Why did he know who Queen Frostine was? Why was he so concerned (just because he knew her name) with the young beautiful Candyland Queen? Was there something special about her? Other than the fact that when you passed her castle the game was finally going to be over! Why? Was she young (yes)? Was she beautiful (yes)? Was she a queen (yes)? But was she real (NO)? So WHY on earth did my heart break over my husband knowing her name?

That I may never know, and looking back, I can only speculate that I was just a girl having a momentary emotional break down, and I’d like to say that was it, but I know better! I was jealous! I was jealous of the idea of a young, beautiful, childless, perfect, princess (girl… any young beautiful girl) capturing my husband’s attention, stealing it away from me. The idea that he KNEW who she was, and if he knew who she was then he surely knew of REAL girls, the ones that he may just think were better than me.

Oh my, what a ridiculous thing to be concerned with, to think about, to worry about. But Queen Frostine represented everything that I wasn’t, everything that I never saw myself as, or never thought I could be. Although my days of being jealous of Queen Frostine are long over (I hope), I still struggle with the jealousy of what she represented in my mind.

 I am still learning that jealousy really just robs me of my own joy! I can’t tell you the number of family outings I’ve ruined by focusing so much on who might walk by me and how it will make me feel, instead of on my own children. Or the vacations I have not enjoyed one minute of because I have been so consumed with what my husband just might be thinking about all of the beautiful, flawless, perfect women around that I’m just sure he’s comparing me to. And not to mention all of the amazing women I could have been friends with but I turned away before we even had a chance because I thought they were just too perfect and was too afraid that if my husband ever saw them that he’d see them the way I did… way better than me!

I’d like to say that I am an emotionally healthy, almost 40-year-old women, but I’m not, always. All of these jealousies still overcome me far more often than I’d like. I’m finding that it’s a life long journey to overcome jealousy and learn to be content with who I am, and sometimes, I’ll admit, a journey that, at times, feels downright impossible to continue.

I have learned that all women struggle with insecurity at times over their lifetime. Even those Queen Frostine types, believe it or not; sometimes they struggle even more than me. I am learning to focus on all of the things that I have accomplished, the blessings that make my life full, the kind of woman I want to be, and the REAL truth (instead of my own made up version of the truth)!

The reality is, God looks at our heart and sees the beauty within’ (as do most, wholesome, loving, caring people)! We all have special gifts and talents that we can use to help others and even be proud of! Even when we feel like we are not good enough, God says we are! And even when I don’t FEEL loved by my husband, kids, family, or friends… I must remind myself that it is just a feeling, a feeling that passes and changes as often and as swiftly as my emotions and thoughts about it.

The Lord says to Samuel – (1 Samuel 16:7) “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

1 Peter 3:3-4 – Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

Do you ever find yourself in the presence of someone who seems to stress out about every little thing? Are you a person that tends to stress out about every little thing, or are you pretty easy going? I mean, everyone stresses sometimes and often for good reason. But I am talking about that person that just seems to be on edge for no logical reason, about everything! Or almost everything! Or maybe just a few things! And I’m sure at the time it seems very logical to them.

 I seem to be noticing this behavior in people that I am around a lot lately. I’m not sure why as I’m sure I’ve been subject to high anxiety, high stress people several times in my life. I’m sure I’ve probably BEEN that person on several occasions. When I watch people become so overwhelmed and stressed about things my heart aches for them. They do not appear to be stressed because they are going through anything bad, or having a hard time in life, or anything obvious like that, not to say that they aren’t because I really don’t know… they may be… and that is completely understandable. No, I am talking about people who seem to stress about every little thing!

There has been the person who was starting a new job and had so much anxiety about what was expected and how to do things. There was a basic overview of the information and I honestly think that they thought that if they didn’t absorb every little detail right now that they would never hear it again. No one can expect to learn everything the first time around. Sometimes you need to hear it several times, participate, experience, and observe things in order to really “get it”. So try to just relax, it’s ok if you don’t know everything… EVER!

Then there is the person who has made a decision in life that they thought was the right one, only to hear someone else state their opinion! Ouch! And of course there are going to be critics, people that will always do things differently than you, or think you are making a mistake. You cannot allow those people to create doubt in your own mind. Not to say that you can’t listen, and take into account what they have to say (IF you want to), because they may have some insight or information that you haven’t heard or thought of. But ultimately you have to make the right decisions for YOU, not anyone else. We need to have faith in the decisions we make and get out of the habit of allowing other people to determine the strength of that faith.

Although I have had anxiety in MANY other areas of my life and I’m sure (actually I KNOW) there are people who have wanted to shake me because of my way of thinking, I tend to think of myself as a fairly laid back person. Not to say I don’t have my own issues and situations that I needlessly stress about, because I sure do. I just wish there was something I could do help someone to relax without making them feel silly or like their feelings are wrong, but to help them to just take a breath. To remind them that everything will turn out ok.

We all have hard times. We all have things that affect us in ways that other people may not understand. And we all seem to be at ease about somethings that maybe someone else couldn’t handle very well. How do we get to a place where we can be at peace… about all things? Is that even possible?

I know this is something I am trying to learn and become more successful at, being at peace. I want to seek the Lord in this as I know He is where my peace comes from!

In John 16:33, Jesus states – “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (NIV)

Romans 15:13 – May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (NIV).

Psalm 85:8 – I will listen to what God the Lord says, he promises peace to his people, his faithful servants – but let them not turn to folly (NIV).

Here are a few more verses to check out…

Matthew 6:25-34

Isaiah 26:3-4

Psalm 46:1-2

Do you ever find yourself wasting time? We all have a list a mile long of things to do. There are the things that we need to do and then there are the things we want to do. I often find myself consumed by the length of the list that I can’t even seem to cross off number one!!! Let alone, two, three, four, or more!

There are the things that I need to do to keep my household running smoothly. These things consist of laundry (mounds and mounds of laundry), grocery shopping, keeping the dog hair under control (which means I have to vacuum often), and basic housework. For some reason these are the things that I completely lack the motivation to do. The problem is that when I don’t do these things I get so overwhelmed as they pile up that I can’t concentrate to do the things that I WANT to do either!

So, instead of doing anything, I sit on my couch with my phone in my hand and play games, scroll through Facebook, search Pinterest, feel sorry for myself, and, well, you get the picture. I don’t know about you, but this me brings me down. And it’s a vicious cycle because the more down I get about the things I haven’t accomplished, the less I accomplish.

The things that I WANT to accomplish seem like a good idea! Spending time with God, working out, cooking healthy meals, crafting, reading a good book, writing, playing a game with my kids, or maybe even working in my yard or spring cleaning are all things on that perpetual to do list. I truly WANT to do these things but I get bogged down by all the other things staring me in the face day after day.

Why is it that the things that we know will make us feel good seem to be the hardest things to accomplish? I know that intentional, scheduled time reading my bible and praying really set me up for a better day and gives me much more emotional stability (which the Lord knows I need). Getting regular exercise and eating healthy makes me feel good, great really. Having a clean organized house also makes me feel good and honestly much less stressed at the end of each day. And spending quality time with my family benefits all of us. But still, I find myself passing these things up for a lazy day on the couch with the remote in one hand and my phone in the other!

I want to do my best to try to accomplish more of the important things and worry less about what level of crazy kitchen I’m on or how many coins I have accumulated on bejeweled blitz! I heard on the radio recently that instead of creating a to do list that fills an entire piece of lined paper that it may be more beneficial to create a priority list. This consists of the three most important things that you want to get done for the day, and only focus on those three things. If you get those accomplished and have time to spend on another project, then have at it. If not, at least you will have accomplished the exact things that you set out to accomplish. Sounds like a great plan to me! I think I’ll give it a try, will you too?

Read and reflect on what this bible verse may mean to you!

Galatians 6:4 – Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction of having done your work, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.

I am not a professional counselor or a doctor. I am not a theologian who knows my bible from front cover to back cover. I do not claim to ‘know it all’ or have all the answers, and in many people’s opinion I may be wrong. This blog has been a way for me to possibly help someone else who is going through a similar experience that I have already walked through. It is something that I have wanted to do for a long time and has been a means of healing for me too. It has helped me to dive deeper into my relationship with Jesus because I am seeking answers to these issues for myself too.

I will admit that I have absolutely no authority to speak out about anyone’s emotional state, their circumstances, or what they should or shouldn’t do in life. But what I do have is experience. Experience in many different areas in life in which I have struggled. I have had to dig myself out of many holes that I happened to be the one to dig myself into in the first place. I have failed as a mother more times than I can count and I have been a selfish, needy, insecure, angry wife twice as much as that.

I have been a woman who has had to learn to deal with my past in order to forge into my future. I have had to dig up old hurts, old wounds, old pain so that I may be healed from the baggage that has weighed me down. I have had to swallow my pride and admit my faults, my mistakes, and my sins to those closest to me. I have at times been consumed by shame, guilt, insecurity and I have had to ADMIT that I am weak.

So, please do not take anything I have written as an end all be all. I have learned in life that I need the Lord. I cannot imagine a life without God in it. To have someone who is always there with open ears, open arms, and love and comfort when it seems no one else is. To know I can find strength, peace, and hope in Him. That is what I hope to share and hope to encourage others to want to find. There is nothing more satisfying and amazing than a relationship with Jesus. God bless all!!!

Have you ever read a self-help book and gotten through the first three pages and began to feel worse about yourself than you did when you started? You know the one. The book that makes you sometimes feel as if you have never been “that good”, nor will you ever be. The book that makes you want to cry because you feel like a complete and utter failure but that you also can’t put down because you’re just waiting for that one admission or slip up from the author that their lives are not that perfect, and neither are they. Whether it be a book about marriage, motherhood, friendship, personal growth, it doesn’t really matter WHAT the book is about, but the fact that it all just seems a little too good to be true. I can’t be the ONLY woman who has ever had these thoughts can I?

Well, believe this, no one is that perfect. No woman has it all together all the time, even if she looks like it. No mother has the perfect children nor is there a perfect mother. There is no perfect wife who is always loving, respectful, thoughtful, and selfless. There is no perfect woman, friend, daughter, sister. We ALL have insecurities, issues, weaknesses, fears, and life disasters. But we also have God given strengths, and power, and beauty and there IS a perfect God who can turn our inadequacies into beautiful moments in our lives.

I am on a life mission to focus on my strengths instead of my weaknesses. I will admit though that my weaknesses are an important part of my life. If I didn’t have weaknesses I may not realize my need for a savior. If everything in life was perfect, I wouldn’t need the Lord in my life to give me comfort and hope. As much as I have been hurt, crushed, alone, scared, I know without those experiences I wouldn’t really be who I am now. I wouldn’t feel the need or have a desire to know Jesus. I wouldn’t be seeking him. And for that alone I am grateful for my weaknesses.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 states – But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me (NIV). We can only truly know God’s strength if we admit our own weaknesses and admit our need for Him. I will continue to try my hardest to focus on my strengths to become the woman God wants me to be but I will also cherish my weaknesses that have brought me closer to Him. So the next time you feel your weaknesses overwhelming you, remember along with those weaknesses there is God given strength.

There are a lot of places that we’d rather ‘fit in’ than not…..

• Our jeans
• A bikini
• Amongst our family and friends
• Our job
• With other women (probably at the top of the list for many of us)

I often find myself in situations where I really feel like I don’t ‘fit in’!!! It’s unfortunate because it’s definitely my own perception of the situation, not the reality. I’m not sure why I allow this to happen, but I am learning to stop the cycle before it gets out of control. Learning… not accomplished!!!

I usually find myself pretty comfortable, at first, in most situations. It’s only after I sit there for a while, observe other people around me, that my wheels start spinning… you see, me and thinking too much really don’t go together. When given the time to get lost in my thoughts, that usually leads to disaster.

I start looking around the room at the other women. I notice their trendy outfits, great hair, jewelry, long painted finger nails, designer bags, great make-up application… you know… all the stuff that might make a girl feel ‘less than’ if they don’t have all of those things themselves. Now, it’s not that I DON’T have some of those things, and it’s not that every other women has ALL of those things… but I surely do like to focus on those things that I don’t have. Why do we get so wrapped up in what other people have and forget our own blessings, value, worth, talents, goals, and dreams sometimes?

I bet that most of us have been in this situation at one time or another!!! Well, have you ever considered that maybe another woman in that room is looking at you and feeling the SAME thing? Yes… you!!! I know, I know… it seems hard to believe. I mean, if you’ve ever felt like I have at times, then you know what it feels like to feel horrible about yourself. You know what it feels like to compare yourself to other women and always come out at the bottom. You know what it feels like to want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. And it seems like a cruel joke to think someone else might just not see what you see and instead see something beautiful.

Changing these patterns of thinking does not come easily. I know firsthand that it can seem impossible… I mean, you are who you are after all, you have your own two eyes, and when you look in the mirror you see what you see. But what if that vision is distorted? Distorted by years of believing lies. The lies that Satan uses to get you where he wants you. The lies you hear in those situations where you feel like you don’t ‘fit in’…

• I am so unstylish and frumpy
• My hair is too short, too long, too dark, too light
• I’m so klutzy
• I’m too fat, too thin, too tall, too short
• I’m so stupid
• I wonder what everyone is thinking when they look at me
• Oh why can’t I just stop thinking…

Oh, I’ve been there!!! I want to encourage you to think about the fact that if you are thinking these types of things, how many other women in the room are thinking similar things? Chances are you’re not the only one.

Can we readjust our habits? Can we train ourselves to stop BEFORE our thoughts run wild? I think so! I know so! Because I’m learning how and if I can do it, you can definitely do it!!! The first thing you can do to help yourself is to recognize those thoughts as lies. Ephesians 6:11 tells us to “put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes (NIV).” Jesus gives you the power to stand up against Satan. James 4:7 tells us to “submit therefore to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you (NIV).” You just need to have a little faith, turn to God for strength! Satan can never compete with Jesus.

Think about the positive things in your life… come on now… there has to be at least ONE (I think more, but you might need convincing)!!! I started by reminding myself of all of the people in my life that love me and that I love! I bet you there’s a few, and the joy you can find in relationships is always something to be happy about! Next I started thinking about my kids and how no matter what happens, their smiles lighten up my day. Trying to think of those few positive things as my mind wants to wander south really helps me to focus on reality.

Now the really tough stuff. You are beautiful! You are loved! You have strengths! And you have weaknesses! No one is perfect, no women has the perfect life, the perfect body, the perfect career, the perfect children, the perfect husband! It may seem like it, but remember looks can be deceiving! Train your mind to focus on the positive and your own unique beauty! If you truly can’t come up with anything positive about yourself (I’ve been there too) ask one of those loving, trusting friends or family members what they see in you! Believe them! They’re telling you the truth! You may just be a little surprised at what they have to say!

This is what the Lord has to say to you and about you…

Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you; I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (NIV)

Jeremiah 1:5 – “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” (NIV)

Have you ever had a break down over the silliest things? I’ll be the first to admit that I have… several times! Maybe it starts when things seem to begin unraveling first thing in the morning. Or maybe it’s just one single incident that irks you. Or maybe your hormonal, I never liked when people say “hormonal” like it’s a bad thing. Like us women have anything to do with either; when our hormones rage, or even when they seem under control packaged up in their neat, little, pretty box deep inside the recesses of our hearts. Oh, why can’t they just stay there?

It’s funny how things can seem to be coasting throughout the day just fine. Dentist… check, cleaning… check… homework… check!!! Then… Dinner! I don’t know about you but dinner seems to be my nemesis. It seems like in this house we eat the same things over and over and over. When I try to make something different, it either turns out barely edible or you can probably hear the complaints and moans from unimpressed children on the other side of the block. And I’m not even a bad cook… usually!!!

As I sat on the couch today trying to decide what on earth I was going to make for dinner, since I didn’t have many choices, I became more and more annoyed. Then… people kept talking. I mean, the same people that I love more than anything, the same people I share this house with every day and wouldn’t change it for the world, they just… kept… talking… annoyance quickly turned into irritation. I had to escape, if even just for five minutes.

I curled up on top of my bed, falling into my big, soft, fluffy pillows and ever so slightly, tears began to fall. My husband came and sat down just to see what was wrong and try to be supportive. God I love that man. And he didn’t even have to ask, him sitting there was an open invitation to let it all out. The irritation that I had allowed to build up (really only over an hour or so) came flooding out like a tsunami. “My kids hate me! They always tell me I’m mean! I hate making dinner! No one ever wants what I make! We have no food in the house (to which my ever loving husband replied – we have a lot of chicken!)” Before I knew it I was laughing because I knew how silly I sounded. My last tear filled complaint (yes, I can laugh and cry at the same time… can’t most women?) was, “and I can’t even find the perfect shade of lipstick!” He had no idea where that came from or what that was all about. I don’t blame him for sometimes thinking I’ve completely lost my mind.

I have kind of been on a lipstick binge lately and can’t help but be drawn to the cosmetic isle to grab a new balm, gloss, pencil, or stick every time I’m at a store. I keep looking for the perfect shade. That brilliant color that will just look amazing on me, match my every outfit and every shade of eyeshadow, and make me feel beautiful. After ten trips to my local Target, I’m beginning to think that shade of lipstick just doesn’t exist.

What are you looking for throughout your day to fill you up? Is it that you wish your family would eat every meal you make without complaint? Children that effortlessly do their homework and that are nice to you and one another all the time? Is it a husband that always understands you and knows what to say? Or maybe that perfect shade of red?

Maybe sometimes we don’t realize that we’re looking in all the wrong places. Jesus is right there, all the time, even in our fits of irrationality. He is the only one (or thing) that can completely fill us up. Psalm 121:1 says – I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? I will do my best to continue to remember to always look to him… even when I can’t find that ever elusive shade of lipstick!