What is depression? What does it feel like? Although everyone who has ever experienced depression has probably experienced it in their own unique way, I still believe that there are quite a few of us who have several similarities when it comes to how we feel. Unfortunately, I have far too much experience with depression and trying to figure out what it all means, how to stop or change it, or even how to accept it; as it is who I am. I can honestly say that I hate it, I hate it with a passion, but sometimes feel as if I have no choice but to endure it!
Depression is this… it is disastrous… it consumes you… it takes over your mind… it takes over your thoughts, feelings, attitudes… it takes over your body… and it can even seem as if it is taking over your soul. If you have never suffered from depression or know someone who has, and I mean closely (not your neighbors sisters daughters friend), then chances are it may be something that you just don’t understand.
You may even have had thoughts like these run through your mind…
- Just get over it
- Well then quit thinking thoughts like that if it hurts
- That’s not even logical thinking
- Who cares what so and so thinks of you or what they said
- Just smile, pretend you’re happy, you know – fake it ‘til you make it
- Count your blessings
- You have so much to be thankful for
- You’re healthy
- Just be happy
- What is wrong with you
- Can’t you see what you have
- Have you taken your meds lately
I will tell you, probably every person who has ever dealt with depression has said these things to themselves… more than you will EVER know, so telling someone these things, is not telling them anything they haven’t already heard a million times before! The problem is, you can’t just say (or think) a few words and all is better, there is no just forget about it, or move on, or get over it! It doesn’t work like that! If it did… there would be a lot less people in this world feeling down in the dumps.
I am going to speak from my heart, but please note that this is just my personal experience. Also note that this is not how I have felt every single day of my life, but I have been in this place far more than I would like to have to admit and it is a constant struggle to stay out. My hope is that if there are any of you out there who have ever felt any of these things (or know someone who has) and have felt alone, know that you are NOT alone and there IS hope!
I was recently at a concert and one of the songs was about this very thing. Part of the lyrics (as I’m sure we’ve all heard several times in many different songs) spoke the words of not being able to see the sunshine through the rain. That is a very simplified way of explaining what depression feels like, but it’s a start.
The reality is, when I have been depressed, there IS no sunshine. There IS no good. Period. There is nothing but an empty, heavy hole in my heart! A hole that is yearning for love, but can’t find any! Longing for peace, but there is only anxiety! Thirsting for laughter, but there’s only tears! Trying to catch my breath, but there is no air! Trying to stay above water, but I’m drowning anyways! A heart desperately trying to count its’ blessings but reality is so distorted that no blessings can be seen! Even the good that anyone should be able to see is just not visible to my own eyes. The blessings are clouded by lies and THIS is what I see…
I look at my beautiful, happy, healthy, growing children and know how wonderful it is that I was blessed (chosen actually) to be a mother (their mother). I know that I have everything in the world to be “happy” about. But what I REALLY see is all of the things I wish I could do over, the things I wish I would have taught them, the time I wish I wouldn’t have wasted that I can’t get back, and mostly the mistakes I’ve made and the pain and suffering that they may endure because of my failures.
I look at my husband, this man that has stood by my side through all of life’s ups and downs, and proven his love for me over and over and over. The man that I’ve shared over half of my life with that deep down I love so much it hurts. But what I REALLY see is the complete and utter disaster I’ve made of my marriage, the grief I’ve caused us both, my unrelenting selfishness, the unfulfilled expectations that continue to break my heart, all of the things that I’ve tried so hard to change but can’t, and the reality in my own mind that I am not, nor ever will be, worth his love or what he’s really ever wanted… and the fear that someday he’ll figure all of that out!
I look at myself in the mirror and I see a healthy (almost) 40-year old woman. A strong woman who has carried, birthed, and nursed babies. A woman who has loved, been loved, laughed, cried, struggled, and succeeded in life. I may not have the same body I had when I was 20, or even 30 for that matter, however, I am alive. But all I can REALLY see is what I’m not and what I’ll never be. I will never measure up to what the world says is “enough”, “beautiful”, or “perfect”! I will never again be 20 (or 30) and be youthful and carefree! I have realized that who I thought I should be and who I have always wanted to be (and still try so hard to become) is an illusion of perfection, an impossible feat, a futile attempt. And because I’ve never actually become her, I feel like I’ve failed… again. How do I learn to be content and satisfied with who I am when my vision is clouded by what I think should be? How do I age gracefully when I’m not ready to age at all? How do I look on the inside to what matters the most when everything around me screams to look on the outside? And how do I feel loved when the world constantly whispers that I’m unlovable and that I’ll never be enough?
I may have everything in this world that I have ever wanted, but often times I still feel miserable, and now add to that the shame and the guilt! Because I KNOW that I have abundant blessings, but I can’t always see. Because of the pain and suffering I know I’ve created in my own life and in the lives of those I love the most. For all of my failures and for all of the mistakes I’ve made. Because I have never quite become that woman I thought I’d be, but even more so because I still don’t know how to accept myself just the way I am; for who I am, for what I’ve endured, for what I’ve accomplished, and for who I am yet to be!
That, my dear friends, is what depression feels like!
Then one day, for one fleeting moment, I get a glimpse of peace, of joy, of happiness and it keeps me holding on to hope. And I know that I can’t give up! I know that there is more to life than this. And in that moment, the clouds move away and I can see, and all of those blessings become visible once again. Then I know that the Lord is with me and wants to set me free of the struggle.
So you see, telling someone the same things they already know isn’t always helpful, but almost rather demeaning, chastising, and demoralizing. You may often wonder what you can do. Unfortunately, I do not have an answer to that. I don’t even know what to tell my own husband, family, or friends to do or how to respond when I fall into my dump. But what I do know is that it’s helpful if you don’t let go. It’s helpful if you have a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. And it means EVERYTHING when you approach with love rather than run out of fear.
I don’t know how and I don’t always understand why I have had to endure this heartache so often and for so long. What I do know is that sometimes I can honestly say that a very small part of me is grateful for the sadness and the hurt, because without it I may not know my need for Jesus! This may just be my cross to bear, the thorn in my side! If my experience can be used to encourage another to not give up hope, to turn to Jesus, and to carry on… then I will allow God to use me and I will always try to be thankful because of it!
A few of my all-time favorite verses that have helped me to overcome my dump and that have encouraged me to move forward:
James 1:2-4 – Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything (NLT).
2 Peter 1:6 – Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to Godliness (NLT).
Romans 5:3 – We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us. They help us learn to endure (NLT).
Romans 12:12 – Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (NIV).
Romans 15:13 – May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (NIV).
Isaiah 26:4 – Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal (NIV).
Isaiah 54:10 – “For the mountains may depart and the hills disappear, but even then I will remain loyal to you. My covenant of blessings will never be broken,” says the Lord, who has mercy on you (NLT).
John 3:33 – Those who believe him discover that God is true (NLT).
Mark 2:17 – On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners” (NIV).
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