disastrouslyredeemed

Nothing can prepare you for motherhood… NOTHING! You can have little brothers and sisters, lots of little cousins that you saw often and coddled, you could’ve even babysat for the masses of little kids in the neighborhood who had parents that were literally fist fighting over whose children were going to be graced with your company; allowing them a few hours of solace! But still, you are never prepared.

You may even have watched brothers, sisters, other family, and friends as they have become parents and are raising their kids, making mental notes of what you would NEVER resort to doing as a mother. You quite possibly had an idea in your head of how you would feed, clothe, diaper, sleep ‘train’, and potty train your youngin’s years before they were actually here. But still, you are never prepared.

You probably also had an idea of how your future children would always behave, act in public, listen to you the FIRST time, and be very agreeable… because after all… YOU have been watching, YOU have lots of experience with little kids, YOU are an expert in this whole ‘kid’ thing, and YOU are going to be a much better mother than all of those other mothers you saw struggling. I mean, it’s quite simple, if they just did this or that they wouldn’t be so stressed out… and maybe they’re kids would listen more often.

HA. HA. HA. Then… YOU had a baby! YOU became a mother! Little miss know-it all… MY kid will never use a ‘paci’, MY kid will NOT have a bottle past the age of one, MY kid will NEVER tell me ‘no’, and DEFINITELY will NOT throw a tantrum in public! Did I say HA. HA. HA. yet?

The thing is, we all, to some extent, have these vivid ideas of what motherhood is all about. Ideas about what we will do and what we won’t do. Some of those things we may absolutely know we would NEVER waiver on (unless there’s an emergency) and we WILL follow through.

Maybe sleeping in your bed until they’re at the very awkward age of eleven… NOT! Sleeping over at a friend’s house on a school night… NOT! Go skydiving out of an airplane while they’re still living under your roof… definitely NOT! And, maybe… ya… that’s all I got!

All the rest of the stuff, the day you found out you were going to be the mother to a bouncing, adorable, happy baby… well, you might as well have wadded all that up into a ball and grand slammed that sucker so far you’d never find it.

You see, as much as we mother’s (women in general?) THINK that we are in control… the truth is… we’re totally NOT.

That baby you swore you would never give a ‘paci’… that amazing, adorable, little person wouldn’t seem to sleep unless they were attached to your chest like a sucker fish! And you… you were so exhausted and sleep deprived. You maybe have gotten a total of 137 minutes of sleep in the past 72 hours… and you think to yourself, “just this one time, MAYBE I can get some sleep, just once” and you reluctantly place that ‘paci’ in that little sucker fishes mouth and she takes to it like she’s a pro, and you fall asleep before your head even hits the pillow, and you sleep, for what feels like eternity. You wake up, look at the clock, and realize three hours have gone by! Woohoo!

The next night, you feed her, change her, and glancing at the clock, you realize it’s already 1:30 in the morning, and your little sucker fish is back at it… SUCK. SUCK. SUCK… CRY. CRY. CRY… She can’t possibly be hungry, you JUST fed her… for like two straight hours! And in your slightly less exhausted state you see that ‘paci’ laying in her bed and you think, “just tonight, that’s all, I swear!” You calm your baby as she grows accustomed to sucking on this little rubber contraption that slightly reminds her of you and her eyes gently begin to close, you lay her down, climb into bed, and aahhhh… dreamland. When you wake up, you realize you just got another three hours of sleep, in a row… again. That ‘paci’ is all it took… and you’re done… GONE! You realize what a stupid idea that was anyways and convince yourself you were wrong, “I mean everyone uses a ‘paci’, don’t they? Oh, who cares, I got sleep… hallelujah!!!”

This was just the first of many times you changed your ideas of what was right or wrong, good or bad. That ‘paci’ was just the beginning, wasn’t it?

You sit at the kitchen table coaxing your handsome little devil into eating just a bite of broccoli and there he sits saying, “NO. NO. NO.” Didn’t you say he’d never tell you no? But just try to get him to take a bite, chew, and swallow… just try!

And that little cutie that you thought would behave the entire day as you made your stops at the post office, grocery shopping, pharmacy, and just one short stop at target… you think to yourself, “I know she’s tired… but it will only take a half an hour! She can make it!” And approximately 7.2 minutes into your last stop (as you’re getting lost in the excitement of rummaging through the dollar section for that one thing you just have to have… you have no idea what that might be, but it’s there, all the while making a mental list of things you actually need… deodorant and dish soap) you hear a blood curdling scream that sounds vaguely like what you’d imagine a fight between a screech owl and a cat might sound like. “I (wahaha) WANT (screech) CANDY (aahhh) NOW… WAHAHAHAHA!!!”

You turn around to see where that horrific noise is coming from only to discover its YOUR child laying on her back in the middle of the aisle. Your mind instantly goes into overdrive… “OMG… what on earth… what do I do? I don’t know what to do? She won’t listen to me! People are starting to stare!” You try to reason with her like you might when she wants to wear rain boots when it’s 85 degrees outside and you just bought the cutest little pair of sandals! But it’s NOT. WORKING. At that moment, as people are staring at you, not having a clue as to what to do but wait, or leave, or bribe her with a lollipop (or four), another mother comes up to you and whispers in your ear, “don’t worry, it happens to everyone sometime!” And you smile, with a tear in your eye, pick up your slightly calmer child and make a mental note that you will NEVER take kids shopping. EVER. AGAIN! HA! HA! HA!

And potty training… oh my. You thought you were going to have that little stinker completely potty trained by the time they were 18 months old, two at the absolute latest. And there you were, after two years of ‘training’, still trying to figure out why you’re wiping the bottom of this three-and-a-half-year-old. They were so interested, so ready, even peed on a cheerio in the little half sized pot sitting in the corner of the bathroom a time or two. You read all the books, listened to the advice of everyone who had blazed the trail before you, you made sticker charts, had a treat bucket, bribed to buy that cutie a new toy, you did everything you could possibly think of and you still sat wiping that cute little bottom. What gives? You soon realize that you have absolutely no control over many things as a mother. You throw the whole potty training hat out the window and hope for the best. You’ve never REALLY known a kindergartener in diapers… have you?

Oh, and that new car you swore you’d never let your kids eat food in… well, after two days of short car rides listening to nothing but fighting and “he touched me” and “she looked at me” … ya… that car… you could probably make a whole happy meal out of all of the french fries and chicken nuggets on the floor now… you may even get a bowl of cheerios…

There are so many more things you may think you have had all figured out. But motherhood is a journey that you are on for many years. You are constantly learning, growing, and changing along with your child(ren). There is no right or wrong way to do anything… but there is a right way for you! We eventually learn to choose our battles. After all, they ARE only little once and sometimes you just have to find the humor in things and laugh… LAUGH!!! Even if tears are rolling down your cheeks… LAUGH!!!

You could not ever imagine how fast time really would go by… until it did. We listen to people throughout our whole parenting journey say things like, “enjoy them while they’re little! It goes so fast! Before you know it they’ll be all grown up!” And we nod our head, and say, “I know, I am, I’m trying to anyway!”

And then one day you wake up and it’s like a sucker punch to the heart! You don’t know what happened, how it happened, or even when it happened… but all of these little people around you are now taller than you, or almost as tall as you anyway, are all ‘big’ people (like grown up sized people) and you realize you haven’t had to change a diaper, give a bath, wash hair, had to deal with a sleepless night OR a public display of hard core temper tantrum for YEARS! Not days, not weeks… YEARS! All you have is the memories of those precious years (and hopefully a LOT of pictures)!

And you realize…

NOTHING can prepare you for the feelings you’ll have when your ‘baby’ gets his license and asks to drive to a friends’ house… ALONE!

NOTHING can prepare you for what it feels like to watch your ‘baby’ march across the stage to grab that diploma and walk out the doors of that high school one last time!

NOTHING can prepare you for what it feels like to walk into that empty bedroom, void of a bed, a dresser, clothes on the floor, and all of their belongings because your ‘baby’ has moved out of your home into their own!

NOTHING can prepare you for how you’ll feel when you watch as your ‘baby’ drives away in the back of that car on her way to boot camp… to be gone for months!

And NOTHING can prepare you for the feelings you will have when you realize you are closer to empty nesting rather than nesting for a precious new baby!

But…

NOTHING can prepare you for how amazing it is to watch your ‘babies’ grow into caring, strong, responsible, slightly opinionated, big people!

And NOTHING can prepare you for how awesome it is to watch them succeed, follow their dreams, look out into the world at all of the opportunities that are before them, and to have their whole lives ahead of them to do whatever they want to do and to become whoever they want to be!

Today, when you’re brushing out that super tangled mess of hair wanting to scream louder than the little (big) girl whose hair you are brushing… just breathe… and hang on… for just a little longer… trust me, you’ll regret it if you don’t!

Isaiah 49:15 – “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you” (ESV).

Isaiah 66:13 -As one whom his mother comforts, I will comfort you (NIV).

2 Kings 4:30 – Then the mother of the child said, “As the Lord lives and as you yourself live, I will not leave you.” So he arose and followed her (ESV).

What is depression? What does it feel like? Although everyone who has ever experienced depression has probably experienced it in their own unique way, I still believe that there are quite a few of us who have several similarities when it comes to how we feel. Unfortunately, I have far too much experience with depression and trying to figure out what it all means, how to stop or change it, or even how to accept it; as it is who I am. I can honestly say that I hate it, I hate it with a passion, but sometimes feel as if I have no choice but to endure it!

Depression is this… it is disastrous… it consumes you… it takes over your mind… it takes over your thoughts, feelings, attitudes… it takes over your body… and it can even seem as if it is taking over your soul. If you have never suffered from depression or know someone who has, and I mean closely (not your neighbors sisters daughters friend), then chances are it may be something that you just don’t understand.

You may even have had thoughts like these run through your mind…

• Just get over it
• Well then quit thinking thoughts like that if it hurts
• That’s not even logical thinking
• Who cares what so and so thinks of you or what they said
• Just smile, pretend you’re happy, you know – fake it ‘til you make it
• Count your blessings
• You have so much to be thankful for
• You’re healthy
• Just be happy
• What is wrong with you
• Can’t you see what you have
• Have you taken your meds lately

I will tell you, probably every person who has ever dealt with depression has said these things to themselves… more than you will EVER know, so telling someone these things, is not telling them anything they haven’t already heard a million times before! The problem is, you can’t just say (or think) a few words and all is better, there is no just forget about it, or move on, or get over it! It doesn’t work like that! If it did… there would be a lot less people in this world feeling down in the dumps.

I am going to speak from my heart, but please note that this is just my personal experience. Also note that this is not how I have felt every single day of my life, but I have been in this place far more than I would like to have to admit and it is a constant struggle to stay out. My hope is that if there are any of you out there who have ever felt any of these things (or know someone who has) and have felt alone, know that you are NOT alone and there IS hope!

I was recently at a concert and one of the songs was about this very thing. Part of the lyrics (as I’m sure we’ve all heard several times in many different songs) spoke the words of not being able to see the sunshine through the rain. That is a very simplified way of explaining what depression feels like, but it’s a start.

The reality is, when I have been depressed, there IS no sunshine. There IS no good. Period. There is nothing but an empty, heavy hole in my heart! A hole that is yearning for love, but can’t find any! Longing for peace, but there is only anxiety! Thirsting for laughter, but there’s only tears! Trying to catch my breath, but there is no air! Trying to stay above water, but I’m drowning anyways! A heart desperately trying to count its’ blessings but reality is so distorted that no blessings can be seen! Even the good that anyone should be able to see is just not visible to my own eyes. The blessings are clouded by lies and THIS is what I see…

I look at my beautiful, happy, healthy, growing children and know how wonderful it is that I was blessed (chosen actually) to be a mother (their mother). I know that I have everything in the world to be “happy” about. But what I REALLY see is all of the things I wish I could do over, the things I wish I would have taught them, the time I wish I wouldn’t have wasted that I can’t get back, and mostly the mistakes I’ve made and the pain and suffering that they may endure because of my failures.

I look at my husband, this man that has stood by my side through all of life’s ups and downs, and proven his love for me over and over and over. The man that I’ve shared over half of my life with that deep down I love so much it hurts. But what I REALLY see is the complete and utter disaster I’ve made of my marriage, the grief I’ve caused us both, my unrelenting selfishness, the unfulfilled expectations that continue to break my heart, all of the things that I’ve tried so hard to change but can’t, and the reality in my own mind that I am not, nor ever will be, worth his love or what he’s really ever wanted… and the fear that someday he’ll figure all of that out!

I look at myself in the mirror and I see a healthy (almost) 40-year old woman. A strong woman who has carried, birthed, and nursed babies. A woman who has loved, been loved, laughed, cried, struggled, and succeeded in life. I may not have the same body I had when I was 20, or even 30 for that matter, however, I am alive. But all I can REALLY see is what I’m not and what I’ll never be. I will never measure up to what the world says is “enough”, “beautiful”, or “perfect”! I will never again be 20 (or 30) and be youthful and carefree! I have realized that who I thought I should be and who I have always wanted to be (and still try so hard to become) is an illusion of perfection, an impossible feat, a futile attempt. And because I’ve never actually become her, I feel like I’ve failed… again. How do I learn to be content and satisfied with who I am when my vision is clouded by what I think should be? How do I age gracefully when I’m not ready to age at all? How do I look on the inside to what matters the most when everything around me screams to look on the outside? And how do I feel loved when the world constantly whispers that I’m unlovable and that I’ll never be enough?

I may have everything in this world that I have ever wanted, but often times I still feel miserable, and now add to that the shame and the guilt! Because I KNOW that I have abundant blessings, but I can’t always see. Because of the pain and suffering I know I’ve created in my own life and in the lives of those I love the most. For all of my failures and for all of the mistakes I’ve made. Because I have never quite become that woman I thought I’d be, but even more so because I still don’t know how to accept myself just the way I am; for who I am, for what I’ve endured, for what I’ve accomplished, and for who I am yet to be!

That, my dear friends, is what depression feels like!

Then one day, for one fleeting moment, I get a glimpse of peace, of joy, of happiness and it keeps me holding on to hope. And I know that I can’t give up! I know that there is more to life than this. And in that moment, the clouds move away and I can see, and all of those blessings become visible once again. Then I know that the Lord is with me and wants to set me free of the struggle.

So you see, telling someone the same things they already know isn’t always helpful, but almost rather demeaning, chastising, and demoralizing. You may often wonder what you can do. Unfortunately, I do not have an answer to that. I don’t even know what to tell my own husband, family, or friends to do or how to respond when I fall into my dump. But what I do know is that it’s helpful if you don’t let go. It’s helpful if you have a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. And it means EVERYTHING when you approach with love rather than run out of fear.

I don’t know how and I don’t always understand why I have had to endure this heartache so often and for so long. What I do know is that sometimes I can honestly say that a very small part of me is grateful for the sadness and the hurt, because without it I may not know my need for Jesus! This may just be my cross to bear, the thorn in my side! If my experience can be used to encourage another to not give up hope, to turn to Jesus, and to carry on… then I will allow God to use me and I will always try to be thankful because of it!

A few of my all-time favorite verses that have helped me to overcome my dump and that have encouraged me to move forward:

James 1:2-4 – Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything (NLT).

2 Peter 1:6 – Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to Godliness (NLT).

Romans 5:3 – We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us. They help us learn to endure (NLT).

Romans 12:12 – Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (NIV).

Romans 15:13 – May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (NIV).

Isaiah 26:4 – Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal (NIV).

Isaiah 54:10 – “For the mountains may depart and the hills disappear, but even then I will remain loyal to you. My covenant of blessings will never be broken,” says the Lord, who has mercy on you (NLT).

John 3:33 – Those who believe him discover that God is true (NLT).

Mark 2:17 – On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners” (NIV).