I cannot believe that I am living in my 40th year. It really seems like not too long ago that I was hanging out on Saturday night in my girlfriend’s bedroom after a night at Barnstormers (a teen dance club) eating pizza, drinking Coke, and having burping contests… or maybe I was just competing against myself in my own mind!
There are so many things that I thought I would accomplish by the time I was 40! I mean ya, I have a husband, kids, a house, a career, a vehicle to drive, great friends, all of that kind of stuff (all of the THINGS I’ve ever wanted)! I’m talking like emotional accomplishments! Maturity accomplishments! And I’m still sitting here half the time wondering when and if I’m EVER going to feel, or act, my age… not that I necessarily want to!
The things I’m talking about… things that I thought would make life better, easier, less emotional, and not as difficult…
I thought by the time I was 40 I would:
- Be confident in who I am… my personality, my life choices, my body, my behaviors, my thoughts, my feelings, who I am as a mother and a wife, etc.!
- Not compare myself to other women… and finally be happy with who I AM! I wonder sometimes if this is really even possible! At what age do you really not compare yourself to other women… ever? I mean I watch my 72-year-old mother still get caught up the compare game! Lord held me, if I’m still this insecure in 30-some years… I just can’t!
- Be confident in the love of my husband… and not still wonder if he wants me, finds me beautiful, desirable, sexy, or a complete idiot! I never thought I would still feel like I have to TRY so hard to make him love me and so often still feel unloved (and yes, I know I can’t MAKE him love me)! I really just thought that saying I do and pledging vows was an immediate source of unending love and commitment! I never realized it would be so hard to keep going sometimes and that I would still, after 20 years, wonder if he even loves me! Nope, wasn’t prepared for that!
- Not care what people think of ME when they see my kids… As a pregnant teenager nothing bothered me more that my mother thinking that me getting pregnant was a reflection on the kind of mother she was. After all, she DID teach me about abstinence, saving myself for marriage, all the things all of us mothers want to teach our children, but I still made my own choice. In my mind (and in reality) it was MY choice, not anything she did or didn’t do right or wrong! It just wasn’t about her! With that being said, I still worry that my children’s occasional psychotic outbreaks and poor decision making skills are a measure of my value as a mom! I need to remind myself that sometimes it’s just not about me either!
- Not care what people think OF my kids… I really don’t want to concern myself with what others think of my children or the choices they make. For example, I have a daughter in the army – I think it’s awesome and she’s a bad*ss, although some people may wonder, “how could you ever let her do that?” (and yes, I’ve heard this!) Well, frankly, it wasn’t my choice and I would like my kids to grow up happy, self-sufficient, and able to make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes. And ya, sometimes my kids are obnoxious a-holes, aren’t yours? Ever? And sometimes they’re even a little inappropriate and too grown up for their ages… but ya know what, I think they’re freakin’ hysterical, and funny, and happy, and know how to have a great time, and believe it or not, they’re great people, so who cares if someone out there thinks they’re hoodlums? I think they’re awesome and I really don’t have to justify that, or them, to anyone!
- Be financially stable… HA!!! Ya, will this day EVER come? I mean, I should be financially stable, I have no reason not to be… other than the fact that I love Target a little too much, as she makes me feel really good at times when I feel really down! Along with some of her friends like Pier 1, Maurice’s, Victoria Secret’s, and Michael’s! And sometimes I make irresponsible spending choices! I DO wish I was better in this department, and I am getting there – just thought by now that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore!
- No longer care what people think of ME or about ME… Ya, I admit, sometimes I care about this far more often than I should! I say stupid things and make myself sick over how dumb I sounded for weeks, months, sometimes even years! Pathetic! And, I am a Christian, I love the Lord God with all my heart – but I’m human – and sometimes I drink too much wine, I swear like a sailor (and I kinda like it), I like tattoos, sometimes I gossip, sometimes I’m judge-mental, sometimes I have a bad attitude and I get frustrated easily, sometimes I have horrible road rage (and then I think, there’s no way that the 581 people that I am sharing the road with all are idiots, so maybe it’s me… nah, couldn’t be)! And sometimes I’m just a downright b*tch! So, I find myself worrying that people think I’m a fraud, how could I be a real Christian, how could I behave in a certain way AND love the Lord? Well, I don’t know, but I do! I’m not perfect, but I know every day the Lord is working in me to change my heart, to make me more like him! So, you see, sometimes I really don’t care, but sometimes I do, and I worry way more than I should! After all, those people I concern myself with surely don’t give a crap about what I think of them!
- Not feel guilty about EVERY. LITTLE. THING anymore… And yes, I nearly mean everything! I feel guilty if I work too much and I’m not home for a few days! I feel guilty if I don’t work enough and make enough money to support my relationship with Target (as mentioned above)! I feel guilty if my house is filthy and the dirty laundry sits in piles for over a week before I tend to it and I feel guilty if I ignore my kids to clean house and wash said laundry. I feel guilty if we eat pizza and Jimmy John’s every day for dinner for a week because I’m too exhausted from the demands of all of that laundry to cook anything AND I feel guilty when I cook and everyone in my house hates it! I feel guilty if I ignore my husband for a few days because I’m busy and then I feel guilty when I’m so needy that I’m ‘on him’ all the time for attention! I feel guilty that I don’t always call the people I care about but we’re all busy and just can’t always take the time, but honestly, sometimes I just don’t WANT to take the time (and I feel guilty about that too)! All of these things shouldn’t make a person feel guilty! We (meaning I) need to embrace who we are… the good and the bad! For a longer list, re-read the above bullet point for more of my guilt inducing feelings and behaviors! You get the idea… GUILTY!!!
- Quit being sorry… this kind of goes along with all of the guilt I suffer from! But really, I’m just so sick of being sorry! Sorry for the way I act and the things I do (I mean I’m really not an evil, vindictive, horrid person… I care about people, I love people, I want to do my best to help people!!! I wish PEOPLE would just give other people (including me) the benefit of the doubt, knowing that we probably ALL want to be ‘good’!!! We really must accept that we’re all human, we all have bad days, we all get irritated and aggravated for no good reason, we all have selfish tendencies that cause us to put our own needs and desires above others! We as people need to quit thinking it’s everyone else that behaves this way but not us… I mean, deal with it… we ALL do it, but it doesn’t mean we’re horrible people, and we shouldn’t have to be sorry about it all the time)! Sorry for the way I feel and who I am (I want and need conversation, I thrive on words of encouragement, I’m over-emotional and sensitive, I cry (A LOT), I care deeply about things, I’m insecure, I want to be loved and accepted, I want the very best for my kids and sometimes I get extremely scared and worry that they won’t be ok, sometimes I just want what I want (my own way) and occasionally I throw a fit when I don’t get it (and you really wouldn’t believe I’m almost 40), I easily get my feelings hurt, I’m sarcastic and sometimes hurt other people’s feelings, sometimes I yell and scream at my kids and lose my sh*t when they DON’T.EVER.JUST.LISTEN, like I said (I swear), I drink too many Monster’s and too much Coke and sometimes too much wine, I’m selfish, and… I’m really, REALLY sick of being sorry about it – like I have to explain myself or justify myself to someone other than me and the Lord)!!!
- Be happier… yes, happier! Just a little bit a little more often! Who knew life would be so difficult at times?
What kinds of things did you expect to have, think, feel, or accomplish by the time YOU were 40?
God created us to be who we are! 1 Corinthians 15:10 (NIV) – But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect… I suppose life is a journey and the Lord loves us right where we are at and guides us through the journey. 1 John 1:10 – If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us (NIV) and Ecclesiastes 7:20 – Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins (NIV). You see, we cannot be without sin, this is why we need the Lord! But with the Lord, we are accepted and forgiven. Romans 8:1 – Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And someday, with the Lord’s help, we will get to where He wants us to be. And 1 John 3:2 – Dear friends, now we are children of God and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is (NIV). We will only become perfect once we reach our heavenly home! So hopefully by the time I AM 40, I’ll quit trying so damn hard!
disastrouslyredeemed 
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