I have realized since I have been writing this blog that although I have in fact been real… I have not been really raw! Everything I have written or thought about writing has come from a place of a deep desire to help others to be encouraged, inspired, and most importantly, to not feel alone. But after time has gone by and I, on occasion, have re-read some of my posts, I see that something is missing. In the process, as much as I want to help others, inspire someone, or touch someone’s heart, maybe I really just want to save my own, so I hold back…
I’m going to talk about jealousy because it is something that I have struggled with for almost as long as I can remember. Bear with me because I will admit right now that some of what I am about to say is down-right ridiculous… but very real, and VERY raw.
I would like to think that I am not the minority in dealing with jealousy. I think for the most part almost all women have experienced jealousy at some time or another. And for those of you who haven’t… I admire you, I envy you, I want to be you, and I don’t believe you…
My jealous streak (as I recall) started about the time I was in middle school and sometimes, I’ll admit, is still running strong. The first time I really remember being affected by jealousy is when I had a falling out with my two best friends, I was thirteen, I was needy, and I was devastated, heart broken, hurt, and you know… it was a blow to the ol’ psyche…
Looking back, that was just young girls being typical young girls. Time passed, they became my friends again, and still are to this day, and I love them no less for it. But that situation set in motion the way I viewed myself, others, and jealousy for all my years to come. It set the precedent that I wasn’t good enough, that someone was always going to be better than me, and that I had to try (very hard) to be liked and accepted.
Jealousy shows its ugly little head in many ways. Jealousy of someone else’s kids, husband, job, house, skin, clothes, car, hair, career, friends, body, relationships, fitness, confidence, diamond ring, happiness… you get the picture… just about anything can make a girl jealous (and all of these surely have).
I admit, I can be one of the worst. I have almost everything I have ever wanted… a husband, children, a home, a good job, great friends, my health… and yet I often find myself unsatisfied, and jealous of what someone else has.
My jealousy tends to show itself more in the physical aspects of being a woman as opposed to success, career, finances, and things. I see the beautiful, flawless girls on the cover of People magazine and I have to hold back a tear and take a deep sigh as I fight to change the thoughts that are wanting to run rampant through my head. The thoughts that I’m not enough, I should try harder, I should be different. I see the tall, stylish, skinny, mom walking through Target and not only do I have to do a double take, but a quadruple take, follow her suspiciously up and down a few isles, and get caught staring as I’m wishing I could be that ‘perfect’.
I find myself comparing myself to the 20-somethings at the gym or at work and think, “why can’t I be that skinny, that beautiful, that confident, that young?” And then there’s the Victoria Secret commercials that come across the TV that make my heart literally sink in shame (and yes, I turn to see if my husband is staring) that I have a baby belly, stretch marks, floppy boobs, jiggly thighs and wasn’t able to stop it from happening, that I didn’t have better self-control, and that I just wasn’t made ‘that way’, after all I SHOULD have been made that way, shouldn’t I have. I know my whole value shouldn’t be based on whether I look like THAT… but for some reason in my head… it often times IS!!!
I’m going to admit something that is even far worse than that, or maybe just funnier… I don’t know! Most of us have probably had those types of jealousies before, but I’m going to share one of my most shameful moments… and yes, this has REALLY happened to me… and I only hope you will see the humor and the sadness, and not the stupidity!!! If you have ever felt foolish or ashamed for being jealous let me tell you this… I promise that after reading this, if even for just a moment, you’ll feel better about yourself…
Years ago my husband and I were playing a game of Candyland with the kids. You know, the never ending game with the trick cards that most of us remove from the pile BEFORE we start to play, the cards that can send you all the way back to start… every time you are oh so close to winning the game – which really just means it will FINALLY. BE. OVER. (unless you’re lucky enough to get sent forward… does that ever happen)!!! Well, ya, either my husband got to send one of us forward or he got sent forward, I don’t quite remember. But in the midst of this exciting game changer he mentioned ‘Queen Frostine’ and how someone gets to float away down the candy cane trail to her castle; and whoever it was, was going to win the game, soon…
Well, if you haven’t guessed, he said Queen Frostine and my heart sunk, like a big, heavy rock dropping to the bottom of a cold, icy lake. Why did he know her name? Why did he know who Queen Frostine was? Why was he so concerned (just because he knew her name) with the young beautiful Candyland Queen? Was there something special about her? Other than the fact that when you passed her castle the game was finally going to be over! Why? Was she young (yes)? Was she beautiful (yes)? Was she a queen (yes)? But was she real (NO)? So WHY on earth did my heart break over my husband knowing her name?
That I may never know, and looking back, I can only speculate that I was just a girl having a momentary emotional break down, and I’d like to say that was it, but I know better! I was jealous! I was jealous of the idea of a young, beautiful, childless, perfect, princess (girl… any young beautiful girl) capturing my husband’s attention, stealing it away from me. The idea that he KNEW who she was, and if he knew who she was then he surely knew of REAL girls, the ones that he may just think were better than me.
Oh my, what a ridiculous thing to be concerned with, to think about, to worry about. But Queen Frostine represented everything that I wasn’t, everything that I never saw myself as, or never thought I could be. Although my days of being jealous of Queen Frostine are long over (I hope), I still struggle with the jealousy of what she represented in my mind.
I am still learning that jealousy really just robs me of my own joy! I can’t tell you the number of family outings I’ve ruined by focusing so much on who might walk by me and how it will make me feel, instead of on my own children. Or the vacations I have not enjoyed one minute of because I have been so consumed with what my husband just might be thinking about all of the beautiful, flawless, perfect women around that I’m just sure he’s comparing me to. And not to mention all of the amazing women I could have been friends with but I turned away before we even had a chance because I thought they were just too perfect and was too afraid that if my husband ever saw them that he’d see them the way I did… way better than me!
I’d like to say that I am an emotionally healthy, almost 40-year-old women, but I’m not, always. All of these jealousies still overcome me far more often than I’d like. I’m finding that it’s a life long journey to overcome jealousy and learn to be content with who I am, and sometimes, I’ll admit, a journey that, at times, feels downright impossible to continue.
I have learned that all women struggle with insecurity at times over their lifetime. Even those Queen Frostine types, believe it or not; sometimes they struggle even more than me. I am learning to focus on all of the things that I have accomplished, the blessings that make my life full, the kind of woman I want to be, and the REAL truth (instead of my own made up version of the truth)!
The reality is, God looks at our heart and sees the beauty within’ (as do most, wholesome, loving, caring people)! We all have special gifts and talents that we can use to help others and even be proud of! Even when we feel like we are not good enough, God says we are! And even when I don’t FEEL loved by my husband, kids, family, or friends… I must remind myself that it is just a feeling, a feeling that passes and changes as often and as swiftly as my emotions and thoughts about it.
The Lord says to Samuel – (1 Samuel 16:7) “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
1 Peter 3:3-4 – Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
disastrouslyredeemed 
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