disastrouslyredeemed

Guess what? I’m gonna let you in on a little secret! Marriage is HARD! Any of you that have been married longer than a week have probably already figured that out. So, it really wasn’t a secret after all. I mean, it’s hard… really, really hard!

I have seen multiple Facebook articles, blog posts, questionnaires (you name it) lately that have begged the question – what is the best marriage advice YOU would give to a newly married couple? Any of you that have been married, have family or friends that have been married, or have been in a relationship long enough to contemplate marriage have probably been privy to this type of conversation. And as you probably already know, the answers go something like this…

• Don’t go to bed angry
• Communication is everything
• Accept each other’s faults
• Remember why you fell in love in the first place
• Be honest and open about everything
• Talk about what’s bothering you
• Continue to date long after you’re married
• Etc., etc., etc.

You get the picture. The same things we’ve all heard a thousand times. Well, I’m going to step out of the box here for a minute and say that the best marriage advice you could possibly ever listen to is this…

Don’t take ANY marriage advice!!!

You may all be wondering why on earth I would say this! I am not a Debbie downer who thinks there is no hope (although sometimes I admit, I really truly am)! I am not in any way trying to steer you away from that good solid advice that your great grandparents have been passing down for generations! And I certainly am not saying that I have all of the answers! No, what I am saying is this…

I have spent 20 years of my marriage feeling guilty and like I have somehow failed miserable at being a wife because my husband and I don’t fit the mold of the ‘perfect marriage’! The mold that all of these well-meaning people try to help us to fit into. And sometimes that well-meaning marriage advice just doesn’t fit into who we are either! The idea of not EVER going to sleep angry sounds like a great idea! But honestly… it’s a load of crap! Maybe you are fully capable of having a conversation immediately about whatever issues may arise. Maybe you or your husband (or both of you) are talkers who are willing to hash out whatever it is that has pissed one of you off. Maybe you are very good at forgiving and forgetting. Maybe neither of you are one to hold a grudge for very long. And maybe, just maybe, you haven’t been hurt by one another so badly (yet) that you need a few days, even weeks, to recover from a broken heart.

You just can’t ALWAYS go to bed in good spirits and not angry, it’s just not always possible to solve a problem, heal a broken heart, or become ‘un-mad’ in a matter of a couple of hours. I am a talker, I could stay up all night and talk into the wee hours of the morning to ‘solve’ or ‘discuss’ any issues that my husband and I might have. But my husband is NOT! He has to get up early for work, he’s tired, he’s NOT a talker and words just don’t come as easily to him as they do to me, sometimes he needs time to really think about what it is he is thinking or feeling, and sometimes he may NEVER figure it out! So you know what, we’ve gone to bed mad, hurt, down right ANGRY several times before… it doesn’t mean we’re failing at this thing called marriage… I hope!

Communicate, communicate, communicate… this also really just gets my goat! Don’t get me wrong, I DO believe that communication is an extremely important aspect in marriage, I really do and I would give just about anything to have more of it! But for some couples (like my husband and me) it’s just not all it’s cracked up to be, and often causes much more heartache, distress, and arguments in our marriage than it’s probably worth just TRYING to communicate.

Have you ever tried to pull words from the mouth of person who can’t form a complete thought without being so completely confused about anything and everything they may be feeling or thinking? I mean so confused that they can’t even form a coherent thought or sentence? Well I have, I live with one! Have you ever tried to pull words from someone’s mouth period? You can’t MAKE someone talk, I mean that’s as ludicrous as trying to MAKE a three year-old eat spinach (If you’ve been successful, at either, please share how)!

But seriously, trust me, I’ve spent several years (did I mention 20?) trying to MAKE someone talk to me…  I am ashamed to admit all of the ‘things’ I have done in a poor attempt to MAKE someone DO anything! But I’m going to put it all out there… because hey, maybe by some odd chance, I’m not the only one and maybe I’ll save you from 20 years of feeling like a complete failure of a wife like I have felt.

• I have yelled and screamed (well haven’t we all… I hope, I mean I really hope I’m not the only one)!
• I have given the silent treatment (ooohhh, scary – it’s probably the one thing he would want the most if given the option, and here I am giving it for free… as a threat no less)!
• I have said the nastiest, hurtful, ‘cut to the bone’ things I could think of! I learned at a very young age how to really hurt people with my words and by no means am I proud of this, quite the opposite actually! (I’m talking bad; things that would make any one of you shudder at the reality that the one person who is supposed to love you the most would and could even say to you, things that can make you doubt your worth, your integrity, your value, whether or not you’re even loveable, and so much more)!
• I have left… yes, literally drove off into the sunset to show him (show him what I’m not quite sure yet because I keep coming back, quickly, like after I go buy a pack of cigarettes, drive around the block 14 times (not off into the sunset) to smoke all but 5 of those cigarettes, cry to a few loves songs, and then go back home… and I don’t even smoke)!
• I have threatened divorce more times than anyone who is still married should EVER be threatening (or even thinking about) – not really sure what I’ll do that one time he may just say ‘Okay’!
• I have withheld sex (really that’s just dumb… really dumb – I mean I’m punishing myself trying to punish him)!
• I’ve pulled out every single guilt trip I could possibly muster up in my mind to MAKE him feel so bad that he is sure to open that mouth and speak (this is really quite counterintuitive because all I’m really successful at doing is backing him into a corner where he just clams up even more! Being a pro at MAKING my husband talk – 0, being a pro at causing my husband to clam up and say nothing, for weeks – 738,291)!
• And, I admit, probably the worst of all, I have turned it all back on me! I’ve blamed myself… for all of it…
  • “Why don’t you love me enough to talk to me?”
  • “What is so wrong with me that you don’t love me?”
  • “I’ve done EVERYTHING for you and you still can’t talk to me!”
  • “IF you loved me more you would talk to me!”
  • “I bet if I was skinnier, prettier, a better cook, a better mother, sexier, made more money, kept a cleaner house, was nicer, more outgoing, not so insecure, not so miserable… I bet THEN you would love me enough to talk to me”!

The sad thing is, I have spent all of these years believing that it is MY FAULT that my husband has an extremely difficult time talking about ANYTHING! My point is, we may never fit into that ‘perfect marriage’ mold once again… but that doesn’t mean we can’t accept the things about each other and our relationship that we can’t change! And it’s much more important to focus on doing just that than making sure we communicate perfectly all the time. We find our way the majority of the time… it may just not be the way the rest of the world sees fit!

And one more of my favorites, talk about what’s bothering you or what’s on your mind and always be honest! What? I mean this is great when you look at your husband and all you see are those big sexy muscles, that dark hair, and those big beautiful blue eyes. Or when he makes you laugh so hard you snort or when his smile makes you catch your breath! Then by all means, YES, be honest, tell him what is on your mind… always… keep it coming!

But seriously, have you ever looked at your husband and wondered why on earth you married this man (if it hasn’t happened yet, trust me, some day it will)? Have you ever been so disgusted by his little idiosyncrasies that you vomit a little in your throat (trust me, that’ll happen too)? Or have you ever compared him to your friend’s husband, your neighbor, or that romantic hero on TV? Chances are you probably should NOT be completely honest about any one of those things! I mean do you really want to hear every time your husband is disgusted with you, wishes you were different than you are, or when you make him want to puke? I mean in a perfect world we would never feel those things towards our spouses, but the reality is, we’re human, and we don’t always have control over what thoughts we have, only over what we do with those thoughts!

So all I’m saying is this… if you and your husband don’t fit into the mold of the ‘perfect marriage’ or ‘that’ marriage advice just doesn’t work for you… so what! Then throw it out the window! You only need to do what works for you and that may change over time as you grow, mature, and change together! Don’t let yourself feel like you’ve lost or failed before you’ve even gotten started! And if you’re many years down the road and still struggling like I do… please remember that there is always hope!

There is always someone who is there to listen to your pain, fear, anger, and hurt (His name is Jesus)! There is always someone rooting your marriage on even when you think it’s too far gone (His name is Jesus)! Those couples who have made it to be married for 50 years surely didn’t get there by fitting a mold and always doing everything perfectly… they got there by never giving up, by sacrificing for each other, and by persevering through those hard times (even when they had vomit in their throats), and I truly believe – by having the Lord on their side!

I will do my best to always selflessly persevere through all of the obstacles that come my way but chances are I probably will, yet again, yell and scream, give the silent treatment, drive around the block a few more thousand times, and even execute the most (non)effective guilt trip I can muster up, all because I’m human and all because I’m me! And if my husband can love me through all of that and not give up on me, then I surely owe it to him to not give up on us!

Song of Solomon 2:8 –  Listen! My beloved! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills (NIV).

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (NIV).

Song of Solomon 4:7 – You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you (NIV).

Mark 10:7-9 – For this reason as man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate (NIV).

Song of Solomon 6:3 – I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he browses among the lilies (NIV).

Colossians 3:18-19 – Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them (NIV).

Song of Solomon 8:3 – His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me (NIV).

Disclaimer: I know that sometimes marriages do not work out, and sometimes that is for the better! And that’s ok! This is by no means meant to ridicule or offend anyone who has been through a divorce. I pray for you all for healing and for comfort!

So, I’m sitting here tonight thinking of all of the “things” I tell people! The things I say to be encouraging, the things I say I am (or rather want to be), the kind of mother I am, the kind of wife I am, the kind of friend I am, the things that I WANT to believe are true (but sometimes struggle with doubt). And as much as it all sounds fabulous in my mind and as it comes out of my mouth and travels to someone else’s ears, it’s so much easier said than done!

Women are very good at having opinions! And we are exceptional at sharing those opinions! But for some reason… they only apply to OTHER women (or men in some cases)! I often wonder why it is so easy to see the ‘right’ way to do things, feel about things, react to things, when it’s NOT me! But I throw myself into the mix, and all of those opinions… well, then they just don’t sound so smart, easy, or even possible to put in to practice anymore. Basically, they don’t stand a chance!

I tend to expect everyone else to so easily be able to feel a certain way, react to difficulty a certain way, or even think a certain way… but yet, I, myself, just can’t seem to do it! And when others have those opinions about ME… oh boy, you better watch yourself! Because I don’t know about you, but I myself CERTAINLY do NOT need someone else telling me how to think, feel, act, react, or deal with a situation, especially when I emotionally strained and drained! I got this! But really, NO, I don’t got this!

I am a pro at putting this scenario into practice! I can look at someone else’s struggles, mistakes, and ‘issues’ and have ALL the answers. I can tell you why your kids don’t listen. I can tell you why you’re not happy in your marriage. I can tell you why that friendship is falling apart. I can even tell you how to deal with that one person in your life that causes you all sorts of frustration due to their huge desire for drama or consistent negativity!

I may be able to tell you all of those things, and honestly it may actually be a very good place to start in helping to guide you into a healthier frame of mind about a situation (or to help you change) or it may not. It may even be a very accurate ‘opinion’ of YOUR problems, or it may not! But the truth is… I. KNOW. NOTHING! I am a fraud! I can have the best, wisest, most mature, Godly advice, and I may even believe it wholeheartedly… but for some reason, I just canNOT seem to listen to my own words, I just canNOT change! Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just hard! It’s so hard to change who we are! To change our way of thinking, the way we view life, the way we view others, and how we function within ourselves.

Over the past few years I have been on a mission to change who I am, because honestly, I often hate who that is! I don’t understand why I want the things I want when I probably will never get them, I mean wouldn’t it just be so much easier if I could just NOT want those things anymore? I don’t understand why I’m so overly emotional about things that don’t seem to bother other women, wouldn’t it be so much easier if I could just no longer let those things bother me? And, I don’t understand how I can love the Lord, want to have peace and joy in my life, live faithfully for Jesus, and love others but yet I still can be so judge-mental towards their choices, I still struggle with selfishness, and I still make so many mistakes (on a daily basis), wouldn’t it just be so much easier if I could just be the person I want to be, always?

One thing that I have learned during this ‘changing me’ journey (that MOST of the time I forget) is that I don’t have to be the one to ‘change me’! What, you ask? Nope! I don’t have to, because if I allow Him to, the Lord will do the changing IN me! Romans 12:2 says, “Do not copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is” (NLT).

What a RELIEF!!! I don’t necessarily have to do all of the changing, I just have to keep my eyes on Jesus, and in time, he will change and transform my heart. A few years ago, when I was going through some very difficult times emotionally, I made this ‘my verse’, my mantra, my words to live by. I copied it onto a note on my phone so I could read it anytime I needed reminding that God will do the work if I am just willing to listen and let Him. I memorized it to chant to myself over and over again during times of deep distress! And WOW, what an impact it made on my life, what a sense of peace I did acquire during those difficult times, just by taking the time to remember that the Lord is in control and CAN do the changing!

Now, I’m not going to lie and say that I’ve completely changed and that I don’t ever get frustrated, or even angry, when I don’t get the things I want, cry about everything (still), and continue to sin… day, after day, after day, after day – EVEN when I don’t WANT to! But as I sit here, right now, I am reminded that if I keep my eyes on the Lord, he WILL create in me a clean heart, a desire to do the right thing, the wisdom and discernment I need to know how to act and react to those sticky situations, and, most importantly, to trust and have faith that HE is in control! I am reminded that He can (and will) change me. Once again, I am going to pull that note up on my phone as a reminder of all of these things! And hey, I may even add a few more just for extra encouragement! You with me? Are you willing to open up your heart and let the Lord change you?

Philippians 2:13 – For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases Him (NLT).

Psalms 51:10 – Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me (NIV).

Matthew 7:7-8 – Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks (NLT).

James 1:5 – If you need wisdom, if you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and he will gladly tell you (NLT).

Philippians 3:12-13 – I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear friends, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead (NLT).

I cannot believe that I am living in my 40^th year. It really seems like not too long ago that I was hanging out on Saturday night in my girlfriend’s bedroom after a night at Barnstormers (a teen dance club) eating pizza, drinking Coke, and having burping contests… or maybe I was just competing against myself in my own mind!

There are so many things that I thought I would accomplish by the time I was 40! I mean ya, I have a husband, kids, a house, a career, a vehicle to drive, great friends, all of that kind of stuff (all of the THINGS I’ve ever wanted)! I’m talking like emotional accomplishments! Maturity accomplishments! And I’m still sitting here half the time wondering when and if I’m EVER going to feel, or act, my age… not that I necessarily want to!

The things I’m talking about… things that I thought would make life better, easier, less emotional, and not as difficult…

I thought by the time I was 40 I would:

• Be confident in who I am… my personality, my life choices, my body, my behaviors, my thoughts, my feelings, who I am as a mother and a wife, etc.!
• Not compare myself to other women… and finally be happy with who I AM! I wonder sometimes if this is really even possible! At what age do you really not compare yourself to other women… ever? I mean I watch my 72-year-old mother still get caught up the compare game! Lord held me, if I’m still this insecure in 30-some years… I just can’t!
• Be confident in the love of my husband… and not still wonder if he wants me, finds me beautiful, desirable, sexy, or a complete idiot! I never thought I would still feel like I have to TRY so hard to make him love me and so often still feel unloved (and yes, I know I can’t MAKE him love me)! I really just thought that saying I do and pledging vows was an immediate source of unending love and commitment! I never realized it would be so hard to keep going sometimes and that I would still, after 20 years, wonder if he even loves me! Nope, wasn’t prepared for that!
• Not care what people think of ME when they see my kids… As a pregnant teenager nothing bothered me more that my mother thinking that me getting pregnant was a reflection on the kind of mother she was. After all, she DID teach me about abstinence, saving myself for marriage, all the things all of us mothers want to teach our children, but I still made my own choice. In my mind (and in reality) it was MY choice, not anything she did or didn’t do right or wrong! It just wasn’t about her! With that being said, I still worry that my children’s occasional psychotic outbreaks and poor decision making skills are a measure of my value as a mom! I need to remind myself that sometimes it’s just not about me either!
• Not care what people think OF my kids… I really don’t want to concern myself with what others think of my children or the choices they make. For example, I have a daughter in the army – I think it’s awesome and she’s a bad*ss, although some people may wonder, “how could you ever let her do that?” (and yes, I’ve heard this!) Well, frankly, it wasn’t my choice and I would like my kids to grow up happy, self-sufficient, and able to make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes. And ya, sometimes my kids are obnoxious a-holes, aren’t yours? Ever? And sometimes they’re even a little inappropriate and too grown up for their ages… but ya know what, I think they’re freakin’ hysterical, and funny, and happy, and know how to have a great time, and believe it or not, they’re great people, so who cares if someone out there thinks they’re hoodlums? I think they’re awesome and I really don’t have to justify that, or them, to anyone!
• Be financially stable… HA!!! Ya, will this day EVER come? I mean, I should be financially stable, I have no reason not to be… other than the fact that I love Target a little too much, as she makes me feel really good at times when I feel really down! Along with some of her friends like Pier 1, Maurice’s, Victoria Secret’s, and Michael’s! And sometimes I make irresponsible spending choices! I DO wish I was better in this department, and I am getting there – just thought by now that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore!
• No longer care what people think of ME or about ME… Ya, I admit, sometimes I care about this far more often than I should! I say stupid things and make myself sick over how dumb I sounded for weeks, months, sometimes even years! Pathetic! And, I am a Christian, I love the Lord God with all my heart – but I’m human – and sometimes I drink too much wine, I swear like a sailor (and I kinda like it), I like tattoos, sometimes I gossip, sometimes I’m judge-mental, sometimes I have a bad attitude and I get frustrated easily, sometimes I have horrible road rage (and then I think, there’s no way that the 581 people that I am sharing the road with all are idiots, so maybe it’s me… nah, couldn’t be)! And sometimes I’m just a downright b*tch! So, I find myself worrying that people think I’m a fraud, how could I be a real Christian, how could I behave in a certain way AND love the Lord? Well, I don’t know, but I do! I’m not perfect, but I know every day the Lord is working in me to change my heart, to make me more like him! So, you see, sometimes I really don’t care, but sometimes I do, and I worry way more than I should! After all, those people I concern myself with surely don’t give a crap about what I think of them!
• Not feel guilty about EVERY. LITTLE. THING anymore… And yes, I nearly mean everything! I feel guilty if I work too much and I’m not home for a few days! I feel guilty if I don’t work enough and make enough money to support my relationship with Target (as mentioned above)! I feel guilty if my house is filthy and the dirty laundry sits in piles for over a week before I tend to it and I feel guilty if I ignore my kids to clean house and wash said laundry. I feel guilty if we eat pizza and Jimmy John’s every day for dinner for a week because I’m too exhausted from the demands of all of that laundry to cook anything AND I feel guilty when I cook and everyone in my house hates it! I feel guilty if I ignore my husband for a few days because I’m busy and then I feel guilty when I’m so needy that I’m ‘on him’ all the time for attention! I feel guilty that I don’t always call the people I care about but we’re all busy and just can’t always take the time, but honestly, sometimes I just don’t WANT to take the time (and I feel guilty about that too)! All of these things shouldn’t make a person feel guilty! We (meaning I) need to embrace who we are… the good and the bad! For a longer list, re-read the above bullet point for more of my guilt inducing feelings and behaviors! You get the idea… GUILTY!!!
• Quit being sorry… this kind of goes along with all of the guilt I suffer from! But really, I’m just so sick of being sorry! Sorry for the way I act and the things I do (I mean I’m really not an evil, vindictive, horrid person… I care about people, I love people, I want to do my best to help people!!! I wish PEOPLE would just give other people (including me) the benefit of the doubt, knowing that we probably ALL want to be ‘good’!!! We really must accept that we’re all human, we all have bad days, we all get irritated and aggravated for no good reason, we all have selfish tendencies that cause us to put our own needs and desires above others! We as people need to quit thinking it’s everyone else that behaves this way but not us… I mean, deal with it… we ALL do it, but it doesn’t mean we’re horrible people, and we shouldn’t have to be sorry about it all the time)! Sorry for the way I feel and who I am (I want and need conversation, I thrive on words of encouragement, I’m over-emotional and sensitive, I cry (A LOT), I care deeply about things, I’m insecure, I want to be loved and accepted, I want the very best for my kids and sometimes I get extremely scared and worry that they won’t be ok, sometimes I just want what I want (my own way) and occasionally I throw a fit when I don’t get it (and you really wouldn’t believe I’m almost 40), I easily get my feelings hurt, I’m sarcastic and sometimes hurt other people’s feelings, sometimes I yell and scream at my kids and lose my sh*t when they DON’T.EVER.JUST.LISTEN, like I said (I swear), I drink too many Monster’s and too much Coke and sometimes too much wine, I’m selfish, and… I’m really, REALLY sick of being sorry about it – like I have to explain myself or justify myself to someone other than me and the Lord)!!!
• Be happier… yes, happier! Just a little bit a little more often! Who knew life would be so difficult at times?

What kinds of things did you expect to have, think, feel, or accomplish by the time YOU were 40?

God created us to be who we are! 1 Corinthians 15:10 (NIV) – But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect… I suppose life is a journey and the Lord loves us right where we are at and guides us through the journey. 1 John 1:10 – If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us (NIV) and Ecclesiastes 7:20 – Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins (NIV). You see, we cannot be without sin, this is why we need the Lord! But with the Lord, we are accepted and forgiven. Romans 8:1 – Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And someday, with the Lord’s help, we will get to where He wants us to be. And 1 John 3:2 – Dear friends, now we are children of God and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is (NIV). We will only become perfect once we reach our heavenly home! So hopefully by the time I AM 40, I’ll quit trying so damn hard!

“I want to be loved like that”, I’ve heard people say. Then the next time I watch a movie, I hear myself thinking the same thing! I think, “if someone else feels that way, and it makes perfect sense, that must be what I’m feeling too.” That feeling of sweet, romantic, happiness mixed with sadness, discontent, and like something is missing. Usually it’s after watching romantic movies like The Notebook, The Wedding Singer or Sweet Home Alabama. My mind always wants to say, “Me too! I want to be loved like that!” But in my heart I know I already am!

We, as women, watch these movies; romance dramas, romance comedies, romance anything and we tend to get a little down about our own love lives. We wonder why OUR men never act that way in real life. Why they don’t send us big beautiful bouquets of flowers at work all the time, and if they did wouldn’t we assume it’s because they’ve done something wrong? Or why don’t they come after us and plead for forgiveness when they know they’ve hurt our feelings or made us mad and instead just let us walk away or lock ourselves in our bedrooms for a while? Why don’t they pack gourmet picnic lunches and surprise us with an afternoon date on a sunshiny day in the middle of summer, all stretched out on a soft cotton blanket with a glass of cool white wine in our hand? And while they’re at it, they could sing us beautiful, quirky, goofy songs that they wrote themselves to describe their love for us? That would be great, wouldn’t it? And I don’t think it’s too much to ask! Do you?

Do you ever wonder those things? I sure do! And I’ve spent many years thinking that since my husband hasn’t done those things that his feelings for me must be severely lacking. I’ve thought that since he didn’t ask me to marry him with an exotic, grand, exciting proposal then he must have not really wanted to marry me (you see I was pregnant when I got married and there’s always been this fear in the back of my head that he married me because he felt like he had to, not because he wanted to)! I’ve always believed that since he never would listen to my plea for a new wedding ring (because mine is much too small, out of style, and just not what I want anymore) or whatever ‘other’ thing that I thought I wanted or needed over the years, that he certainly didn’t care about me! And, I have assumed that since he never really was one to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, tell me how amazing I am, and talk about his hopes, fears, and dreams with me (Every. Single. Day.) that he just simply didn’t love me! Sounds pretty selfish from this end, huh?

I’m not sure how I let these feelings over take me this way for so long or sometimes how I’ve even managed to remain married. I’d like to say that these feelings don’t still bother me all that much, but to be honest, it’s a DAILY struggle to keep my head above the cold, murky, wet dirt. You see, all of these thoughts that lead to horrible, disastrous feelings are LIES. Satan wants to trap us in our own minds. If he can tear us down, crush our spirit, ruin our relationships, and torture our soul… well, he has us right where he wants us. And he will use any means possible… even your favorite romantic chic flick!

The thing is, all of those romantic comedies AREN’T real. So we’re absolutely right to say, “my man just isn’t like that”, he’s probably NOT! And that’s ok! This is why we must guard our hearts and be wise. We can’t allow ourselves to get so caught up in what our ‘man don’t do’ and forget what our ‘man does do’! We may want more, but sometimes we may not get more! Sometimes we need to put aside our selfish desires in order to have a loving relationship, live in peace, and stay sane. And sometimes we need to look to the Lord to fill the gaps!

My husband will probably never sing a goofy, quirky love song to me (unless he’s had a few too many jack and cokes and we’re dancing at a wedding – then when he happens to start singing along to the music I’ll just pretend that he’s singing to me)! He will probably never be the talker that I wish he was. And when I try to bait him by telling him how thankful I am that he’s my husband, that he works hard to take care of his family, that he’s always supportive of me, that he always tries to do his best to help me out with everyday mundane things, and that he’s totally HOT… well, he’ll probably never turn around and say all of those same things back to me, like I wish he would.  He’ll probably always just give me a sideways smile and a kiss.

But, you know what he will do? He will always be a loving dad who wants to be at every game, competition, birthday dinner, and any other special occasion of his children’s lives and mine. He will always be the strong, patient, level-headed parent when I can no longer deal with the demands of motherhood. He will always keep me grounded… shoot, if it wasn’t for him I would’ve floated away long ago in my hot air balloon full of illogical fantasies and ideas. He will always be a hard worker and provide for his family. He will always do his best to do laundry, dishes, and pick up around the house (even if the clean laundry sits in piles on the living-room floor for three days and becomes so covered in dog hair that it really should be re-washed)! He will always be respectful of me! And he will always care about what I have to say even if he never has a single word to offer… he’s still a great listener, he NEVER interrupts! He’ll always remember my birthday and our anniversary. He’ll always be my best friend. And hey, maybe every once in a while, at a wedding, he’ll even sing a romantic song in my ear. And that IS being ‘loved like that’!!!

Psalm 25:17 – Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish (NIV).

2 Corinthians 11:14 – And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light (NIV).

2 Thessalonians 3:3 – But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one (NIV).

Ephesians 4:2-3 – Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace (NIV).

Philippians 4:8 – Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things (NIV).

Proverbs 31:10-11 – A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value (NIV).

I have realized since I have been writing this blog that although I have in fact been real… I have not been really raw! Everything I have written or thought about writing has come from a place of a deep desire to help others to be encouraged, inspired, and most importantly, to not feel alone. But after time has gone by and I, on occasion, have re-read some of my posts, I see that something is missing. In the process, as much as I want to help others, inspire someone, or touch someone’s heart, maybe I really just want to save my own, so I hold back…

I’m going to talk about jealousy because it is something that I have struggled with for almost as long as I can remember. Bear with me because I will admit right now that some of what I am about to say is down-right ridiculous… but very real, and VERY raw.

I would like to think that I am not the minority in dealing with jealousy. I think for the most part almost all women have experienced jealousy at some time or another. And for those of you who haven’t… I admire you, I envy you, I want to be you, and I don’t believe you…

My jealous streak (as I recall) started about the time I was in middle school and sometimes, I’ll admit, is still running strong. The first time I really remember being affected by jealousy is when I had a falling out with my two best friends, I was thirteen, I was needy, and I was devastated, heart broken, hurt, and you know… it was a blow to the ol’ psyche…

Looking back, that was just young girls being typical young girls. Time passed, they became my friends again, and still are to this day, and I love them no less for it. But that situation set in motion the way I viewed myself, others, and jealousy for all my years to come. It set the precedent that I wasn’t good enough, that someone was always going to be better than me, and that I had to try (very hard) to be liked and accepted.

Jealousy shows its ugly little head in many ways. Jealousy of someone else’s kids, husband, job, house, skin, clothes, car, hair, career, friends, body, relationships, fitness, confidence, diamond ring, happiness… you get the picture… just about anything can make a girl jealous (and all of these surely have).

I admit, I can be one of the worst. I have almost everything I have ever wanted… a husband, children, a home, a good job, great friends, my health… and yet I often find myself unsatisfied, and jealous of what someone else has.

My jealousy tends to show itself more in the physical aspects of being a woman as opposed to success, career, finances, and things. I see the beautiful, flawless girls on the cover of People magazine and I have to hold back a tear and take a deep sigh as I fight to change the thoughts that are wanting to run rampant through my head. The thoughts that I’m not enough, I should try harder, I should be different. I see the tall, stylish, skinny, mom walking through Target and not only do I have to do a double take, but a quadruple take, follow her suspiciously up and down a few isles, and get caught staring as I’m wishing I could be that ‘perfect’.

I find myself comparing myself to the 20-somethings at the gym or at work and think, “why can’t I be that skinny, that beautiful, that confident, that young?” And then there’s the Victoria Secret commercials that come across the TV that make my heart literally sink in shame (and yes, I turn to see if my husband is staring) that I have a baby belly, stretch marks, floppy boobs, jiggly thighs and wasn’t able to stop it from happening, that I didn’t have better self-control, and that I just wasn’t made ‘that way’, after all I SHOULD have been made that way, shouldn’t I have. I know my whole value shouldn’t be based on whether I look like THAT… but for some reason in my head… it often times IS!!!

I’m going to admit something that is even far worse than that, or maybe just funnier… I don’t know! Most of us have probably had those types of jealousies before, but I’m going to share one of my most shameful moments… and yes, this has REALLY happened to me… and I only hope you will see the humor and the sadness, and not the stupidity!!! If you have ever felt foolish or ashamed for being jealous let me tell you this… I promise that after reading this, if even for just a moment, you’ll feel better about yourself…

Years ago my husband and I were playing a game of Candyland with the kids. You know, the never ending game with the trick cards that most of us remove from the pile BEFORE we start to play, the cards that can send you all the way back to start… every time you are oh so close to winning the game – which really just means it will FINALLY. BE. OVER. (unless you’re lucky enough to get sent forward… does that ever happen)!!! Well, ya, either my husband got to send one of us forward or he got sent forward, I don’t quite remember. But in the midst of this exciting game changer he mentioned ‘Queen Frostine’ and how someone gets to float away down the candy cane trail to her castle; and whoever it was, was going to win the game, soon…

Well, if you haven’t guessed, he said Queen Frostine and my heart sunk, like a big, heavy rock dropping to the bottom of a cold, icy lake. Why did he know her name? Why did he know who Queen Frostine was? Why was he so concerned (just because he knew her name) with the young beautiful Candyland Queen? Was there something special about her? Other than the fact that when you passed her castle the game was finally going to be over! Why? Was she young (yes)? Was she beautiful (yes)? Was she a queen (yes)? But was she real (NO)? So WHY on earth did my heart break over my husband knowing her name?

That I may never know, and looking back, I can only speculate that I was just a girl having a momentary emotional break down, and I’d like to say that was it, but I know better! I was jealous! I was jealous of the idea of a young, beautiful, childless, perfect, princess (girl… any young beautiful girl) capturing my husband’s attention, stealing it away from me. The idea that he KNEW who she was, and if he knew who she was then he surely knew of REAL girls, the ones that he may just think were better than me.

Oh my, what a ridiculous thing to be concerned with, to think about, to worry about. But Queen Frostine represented everything that I wasn’t, everything that I never saw myself as, or never thought I could be. Although my days of being jealous of Queen Frostine are long over (I hope), I still struggle with the jealousy of what she represented in my mind.

 I am still learning that jealousy really just robs me of my own joy! I can’t tell you the number of family outings I’ve ruined by focusing so much on who might walk by me and how it will make me feel, instead of on my own children. Or the vacations I have not enjoyed one minute of because I have been so consumed with what my husband just might be thinking about all of the beautiful, flawless, perfect women around that I’m just sure he’s comparing me to. And not to mention all of the amazing women I could have been friends with but I turned away before we even had a chance because I thought they were just too perfect and was too afraid that if my husband ever saw them that he’d see them the way I did… way better than me!

I’d like to say that I am an emotionally healthy, almost 40-year-old women, but I’m not, always. All of these jealousies still overcome me far more often than I’d like. I’m finding that it’s a life long journey to overcome jealousy and learn to be content with who I am, and sometimes, I’ll admit, a journey that, at times, feels downright impossible to continue.

I have learned that all women struggle with insecurity at times over their lifetime. Even those Queen Frostine types, believe it or not; sometimes they struggle even more than me. I am learning to focus on all of the things that I have accomplished, the blessings that make my life full, the kind of woman I want to be, and the REAL truth (instead of my own made up version of the truth)!

The reality is, God looks at our heart and sees the beauty within’ (as do most, wholesome, loving, caring people)! We all have special gifts and talents that we can use to help others and even be proud of! Even when we feel like we are not good enough, God says we are! And even when I don’t FEEL loved by my husband, kids, family, or friends… I must remind myself that it is just a feeling, a feeling that passes and changes as often and as swiftly as my emotions and thoughts about it.

The Lord says to Samuel – (1 Samuel 16:7) “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

1 Peter 3:3-4 – Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”